Waking to Live
by gracefultree
Summary: This is the sequel to Ianto Wakes, Jack Wakes, and Lisa Wakes, where we find out what happens between Ianto and They both woke up from retcon, and are dealing with the consequences of what happened that they can't Ianto's in London with no memory of a month-long affair with Jack while Jack's at Torchwood, with a dead Cyberman and agents he's not sure he can
1. Chapter 1

**Waking to Live - Chapter 1**

**by Gracefultree**

A/N: Here we are, finally, at the beginning of Waking to Live, the sequel to 'Ianto Wakes', 'Jack Wakes', and 'Lisa Wakes', where we find out what happens between our heroes. Ianto and Jack have both woken up from retcon, and are dealing with the consequences. Remember, Ianto is in London with no memory of a month-long affair with Jack. Jack is at Torchwood, with a dead Cyberman in the autopsy bay, and two agents who appear to have betrayed him, though he suspects that Suzie has been blackmailing Owen. What does she have on him? Read further to find out!

Warmings: Discussions of non-con.

As always, reviews and follows/favorites are wonderful tokens of appreciation for my story that I love to get.

Enjoy!

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Owen slunk back into the Hub, his shoulders slumped and a scowl on his face. He looked around, not seeing Suzie _or_ Jack. His anxiety skyrocketed. He walked over to the autopsy bay and fell to his knees. It was a bloodbath. Lisa's body lay on the table, blood was everywhere, and he vaguely recognized Jack's bootprints leaving the area, and Suzie's shoeprints.

"Shit," he gasped. "What happened?"

"Suzie happened," Jack said, coming up behind Owen. Owen jumped to his feet, startled. He swallowed thickly and faced Jack. It took him a full minute to look up enough to see Jack's stormy eyes. Sadness, disappointment and anger warred for control of Jack's features.

"Jack," Owen whispered, his voice cracking.

"My office. Now."

Jack turned and Owen reluctantly followed him. Tosh already sat in the visitor's chair. Jack took his chair and motioned for Owen to remain standing. Tosh activated a small video camera.

"What does she have on you and how long has this been going on?" Jack demanded, every shred of emotion gone from his voice.

"Two years," Owen answered, avoiding the first question. Jack simply nodded, waiting. "I didn't — I didn't mean for any of this to happen," he said suddenly. "You have to believe me, Jack!"

"What does she have on you?" Jack repeated.

"Katie," Owen said haltingly. "Her family. There are bombs in their homes, at their offices, in their cars, at the kids' schools." He started sobbing. Tosh rose from her seat, but a gesture from Jack had her back in it immediately.

"They're all I have left of her!" Owen shouted. "That blast in London two years ago that took out an entire apartment complex? That was her showing me she meant it. Katie's brother was in that building." Tosh gasped and covered her mouth. "Her sister-in-law wasn't home, but she was pregnant, and now she's a single mother. Suzie has spies in London watching them."

Jack sighed, rubbed a hand over his face. "What else?" he asked wearily, his anger dissipating at hearing Owen's story.

"She put this ring on me —" He broke off, glanced at Tosh, who was both pale and furious, and decided he had to continue. He had betrayed both of them, so they both deserved to know why. "It's like a cock ring, only —"

"If she activates it, it'll cut it off," Jack supplied. "Minxili sex toy. I knew we'd found one of those a few years ago. Thought it was lost in the Archives."

Owen closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. "She — " He opened his eyes, looked directly at Jack. "She forced me to have sex with her."

Jack reared back in his chair, fury boiling behind his eyes again. Owen had saved this for last, knowing Jack's aversion to forced sex of any kind. The man might be a flirt and charmer, but he always sought consent. And Owen had seen him interrogating a rapist once. The memory was scored into his mind as Jack at his cruelest. It didn't matter that it was a human raping an alien. It was rape, and they'd been sore-pressed to keep the man alive after Jack had his go at him.

"She raped me, Jack," Owen said, not breaking eye contact. "She beat me and cut me and I'm going to have scars for the rest of my life, but, hey, I'm still alive, right? She's made me do more things that make my stomach turn than I can count, and I did all of it, hating myself, but knowing that I'd do it, because it's better to be a bastard and alive than a good man who's dead. That's what my parents taught me, anyway.

"And, yeah, if I hadn't been so broken by Katie's death, maybe I'd have been able to come to you, or resist her, or give up my life, but I'm a coward, Jack. I'm a fucking coward, and this is what I've become, so you can just shove it all, because I did what I had to do to live!"

He drew a deep breath before he continued. "And I'm sorry about Ianto. I really am, but at least he's alive, too, even if he can't remember shit. I'll have these memories for the rest of my life. I have to live with myself, knowing what I've done."

By this point, Tosh was openly sobbing along with Owen, her face buried in her hands. Jack stood abruptly, rounded his desk and drew Owen into a fierce hug. Owen clung to him, tears rolling down his cheeks, his breathing loud and wet.

"I'm sorry!" Owen repeated, over and over into Jack's chest. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Jack held him tighter, pulled him closer. "I forgive you," he whispered in Owen's ear. "I forgive you. We'll figure it out."

They stood like that until Owen had cried himself out. When he stiffened in Jack's arms, Jack let him go.

"What happens now?" Owen asked, his voice rough.

Jack went to his liquor cabinet and pulled out his good scotch, poured three large glasses, handed them out. He sipped his, staring into space for a moment. "How was Ianto, when you left him?" he asked, not looking at Owen.

"Sleeping. Physically fine. I left out a few things that could be triggers. A newspaper with an article about Canary Wharf, a bottle of your favorite scotch. I'd have done more, except — "

Jack raised a hand to cut him off. "It's OK, Owen. You did what you could. You didn't know I'd wake up in time to catch her." He drained his glass. "Suzie's still out cold from the stun gun I hit her with, so I haven't had a chance to interrogate her, but I'm leaning to more, extreme, shall we say, methods."

"Send her to UNIT," Tosh declared to gasps of surprise from both men. "It's what she deserves."

Jack looked from one to the other of them. "Listen, both of you. We're down two agents, and Suzie is a big risk. It's going to be difficult for a while. Can I count on you to be behind me? No matter what happens?"

"Yes!" Tosh said immediately.

"Yes," Owen declared. "Whatever you want, Jack. Whatever you need."

Jack smiled grimly. "Good. You're good people, and I know what it's like to be coerced into doing things you regret, so, Owen, I'm giving you another chance. Don't fuck it up."

"I won't, Jack. You'll see."

Jack nodded. "OK, here's the order of the day: Owen, clean up the autopsy bay and get Lisa's body as ready for burial as possible. Remove all the tech and incinerate it. I have to go to London to see the Queen on Monday, so I'll take it with me and make sure it gets to her funeral, if there hasn't been one, yet. If there has, I'll make sure it's buried at her marker. Tosh, keep working on those things I told you to do earlier. And find me Lisa's parents' number. I want to contact them personally to give my condolences."

Tosh stood to go, pausing to give Owen's arm a small squeeze.

"Owen, stay another minute," Jack said. Once Tosh was gone and the door closed, Jack motioned Owen to sit. "I've reviewed the CCTV from the last twelve hours," he told him. "And it triggered my memories. I appreciate that you stood up to her down in Lisa's room about Tanizaki."

"It's been driving me mad for years," Owen admitted. "But she's been losing it more and more lately. It's like somethings come unhinged. At first it was just sex and stealing retcon, but now it's — this."

"Speaking of retcon," Jack started.

"I'll get to work on an antidote for Ianto," Owen finished.

"Thank you." Jack paused for a moment. "I know talking or letting people in isn't your strong suit, but I'd like you to see a psychologist."

"I'd rather talk to you," Owen muttered under his breath. "And you know how I feel about you."

"You blame me for Katie's death," Jack stated.

"Yes."

"I'll listen, if that's what you really want. It'll be difficult."

"I owe it to you, Jack. You need to know everything."

Jack sighed. "I'm not a psychologist, I won't be able to do more than listen."

"Good. All that 'it'll get better' nonsense is bullshit," Owen declared.

"Once you've finished in the autopsy bay and with Lisa, I'll work on getting that ring off you. I have an idea of a few things that might work, but I have to search the Archives."

"She controls it from her PDA."

"I'll start there. For now, go."

Jack watched Owen leave, feeling suddenly old, tired and sad. _I let Owen down, _he thought. _I should've noticed what Suzie was doing. I should've been able to stop it. Shit. And now I'm having him clean the autopsy bay, kind of like assigning him penance for his crimes. _

_Oh, Ianto, I wish you were here. I wish we could have each other throughout this crisis. I promise, you, I will do everything I can for you. I will come for you once all this with Suzie is sorted. I will come for you. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Waking to Live - Chapter 2**

**by Gracefultree**

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Jack sat in the SUV and stared up at the apartment building across the street from him. It was a nice building, in a nice area of London. Reasonably anonymous, but definitely a step above the usual university flats. A young professional's flat. He picked out the window on the seventh floor, fourth from the corner. There were white curtains in the window, and, if he trusted his eyes, a blue glass vase. He wondered who'd bought the vase and if it was important or just a knickknack to add color to an otherwise boring flat. Even from here he could tell that the walls inside were the basic cream that came with these sorts of flats. He noticed movement in the window.

_Now or never, Harkness, _Jack thought to himself, gathering his messenger bag and making sure he had the envelope that was the ostensible reason for the visit. He locked the car behind him and crossed the street.

_Ianto doesn't remember me, _he reminded himself as he rode the lift. _All he has is that damned diary. At least he mentions me in it, even if he doesn't say all that much. And he says he's falling in love with me, so — _

_Maybe that will be enough to recognize me? Maybe the feelings will come back to him? Maybe seeing my face will break those memories free? _

_God, I hope so. This last week has been horrible. Everything reminds me of him. Seeing him the other day at Lisa's funeral didn't help. All I wanted to do was go over there and hold him, kiss him, tell him it would be OK. Even if he didn't believe me, getting to talk to him again, getting to hear those beautiful Welsh vowels, see those bright eyes… I couldn't, of course. How could I, when he doesn't remember me? _

"_Oh, hi, Ianto, I'm Jack, the man you've been sleeping with before Lisa was even in the ground. I love you. Want to move back to Cardiff and shack up with me?" That would __not_ _go over well._

Jack stood outside Ianto's door for five minutes before he pressed the doorbell. He plastered a standard smile on his face. Nothing fancy, just a polite _it's-good-to-meet-you_ smile, with a hint of hesitation and a hint of _if-you-remember-me-let's-shag_.

He didn't have long to wait before Ianto opened the door, the polite mask Jack was so familiar with on his face. And absolutely _no_ recognition. Jack determined to play things out as they came.

"Ianto Jones?" he asked, deliberately mispronouncing Ianto's name in the way Ianto had once admitted he found amazingly sexy.

"Yes?" Ianto asked, professional, polite, not a hint of emotion behind his eyes and barely any curiosity. His eyes betrayed the building curiosity, though, as he drank up Jack's face, his eyes, his whole figure.

Jack had forgone the greatcoat for a change, not wanting to be memorable if Ianto didn't actually remember him. Better to be an anonymous courier than someone in a memorable coat he could probably search out images for on the internet. Tosh routinely purged any pictures of him that trickled on, but with everything going on lately, she was behind. And Jack had no doubts that his good looks and anachronistic dress landed him on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and whatever the newest picture-sharing program was. And if Ianto found his picture online, it wouldn't be hard to find his name associated with it, and then Torchwood, Cardiff's least-kept secret.

"I have a package for you. If you could sign?" Jack extended a clipboard. Ianto accepted it, but didn't find a pen. "Sorry!" he exclaimed, patting his pockets for one, knowing he wouldn't find one. On purpose, of course. When he reached for his bag to begin searching, Ianto held up a hand.

"Why don't you come in while I find a pen?" he suggested.

"I'm not really supposed to –" Jack hedged, adding an extra bit of hesitation to his voice. He knew Ianto would respond to it. All part of the plan. If he could get into Ianto's flat, he had more opportunity to jog his memory. He couldn't seem eager to get inside, though. That would seem strange.

"Nonsense. It's just a moment, and you're letting the air conditioning out. Come in."

"As long as you don't tell my boss," Jack said with one of his trademark grins, winking at Ianto. He stepped over the threshold and closed the door behind him. "She doesn't like it when I waste her time or avoid paperwork. She gets in a rather _royal_ snit." He managed to hold back the snicker at his joke. Queen Elizabeth was not a woman to take lightly, and personal friend of Jack's or not, she expected him to do his job properly.

Ianto smiled slightly in return, his eyes watching Jack's lips without conscious thought. Jack could see the sensual thoughts behind his eyes and licked his lips, imagining the things he could (and had) done to Ianto with them.

"I had a boss like that once, except _he _was the one not doing the paperwork," Ianto commented absently, tearing his eyes away from Jack's face. "He avoided doing any kind of work at all, as a matter of fact, if it didn't involve running around. I was constantly reminding him to sign requisition forms and the like."

Jack blinked in surprise at that comment, knowing instinctively that Ianto was talking about him. Ianto seemed nonplussed by the comment, blushing slightly and turning away to find a pen. Jack took a moment to look around the entryway. There was a line of coat hooks, with both Ianto's and Lisa's coats hanging there. There were male and female shoes on the mats underneath the coats. Predictably, Ianto had matched his coats and shoes, though Lisa's were more haphazard. A large framed van Gogh poster rounded out the entryway, hanging above a small table that held a bowl for keys, coins and wallets. One of Lisa's pocketbooks rested underneath it. Ianto found a pen in the little drawer in the table, quickly signed his name on the appropriate line and handed both the clipboard and Biro back.

"Might as well keep the pen," he offered. "I'm sure you lose them often enough."

"Thanks." Jack suppressed a sigh. _He doesn't remember me. Shit. If seeing me and flirting wasn't enough, maybe seeing the Torchwood symbol will do it, _he thought, opening his bag and pulling out a thick manila envelope with the Torchwood logo emblazoned hugely across the front. "Hey, are you ok?" he asked, extending a hand in Ianto's direction when Ianto staggered slightly, his cheeks going pale in an instant.

"I have to sit down," Ianto croaked, collapsing onto his couch. Jack followed into the sitting room, a look of concern on his face, thinking, _Please, please remember, darling!_

"I'm sorry," Ianto apologized, clearly no closer to the memories than the moment before. _Just startled seeing the Torchwood reference, _Jack decided.

"No, no, don't worry about it. I should have said something. I've been delivering these all week. I should know by now not to spring them on people."

"You've been doing this all week?"

Jack gave a frustrated sigh, more for Ianto's still-missing memories than having to do the grunt work for Elizabeth. "Yeah, special assignment from the Crown. I'm based in Cardiff, but she wanted me to personally hand these out to the other survivors and the families of the deceased." He placed the package onto the coffee table that screamed _Ianto_. Red cherry with an inlaid mosaic of black and maroon tiles. The sofa was burgundy, matching the sheets that had appeared in Jack's flat that fateful night before Ianto started working for him. _So that's where they came from,_ Jack mused absently. _He brought them from London. Lisa must have liked seeing him in that color, too. _

"What do you do, that she would ask for you specifically?" Ianto wondered, unable to keep the curiosity out of his voice.

"A little of this, a little of that," Jack replied vaguely, shrugging, not wanting to give anything away without a guarantee that Ianto would at least listen to his side of everything. "I don't think it's anything special, but I guess she does."

After an awkward pause, Jack pulled out a small blank business card from his shirt pocket and scribbled his mobile number on it. "Listen, I know you're probably going through a lot right now, so if you need a shoulder to cry on or a forgiving ear…" He trailed off, extending the card. Ianto regarded him with a puzzled frown.

"Isn't it supposed to be a sympathetic ear?"

"I have one of those, too," Jack said with a wink, already grinning again, willing to try flirting one more time. He placed the card face down in Ianto's hand, the tips of his fingers brushing Ianto's palm. A jolt of electricity flew through them both and Ianto jerked his hand back, his fingers curling around the card without conscious thought.

"I'm not gay," Ianto blurted.

"Neither am I," Jack answered, feeling a bit of hope. Ianto felt the spark. Ianto was attracted enough to him to notice. Besides, Ianto had said something similar to him once. "I don't choose to label myself. But if _that's_ what you're looking for, I have room in my bed. You could say anything with that sexy accent and I'd be -"

"I think you'd better go," Ianto barked, rising, his cheeks pink.

_Fuck! _Jack shouted at himself. _Too much! Too soon! Goddamn it, why can't I keep to the plan? Why can't I resist flirting with him, creating innuendo? _

_I know why. Because I love him and want him back. Simple as that. _

_But now I've overstayed my welcome… _

Jack nodded silently while these thoughts were running through his head and put his bag back on. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I shouldn't have said that. It was totally out of line and disrespectful. And I'm sorry for your losses," he murmured sincerely as Ianto led him to the door. Ianto gave a curt nod in acknowledgment.

Jack paused as he left the flat, meeting Ianto's eyes for an intense moment, willing his feelings and thoughts to break through the barrier Ianto and retcon had constructed around Ianto's heart.

"Goodbye, Jones, Ianto Jones. May you find happiness."

"Wait!" Ianto called, before Jack had gone more than a few steps down the hall. Jack paused, looked back, tried to keep the hope from his eyes and heart. "How long will you be in London?"

"You're the last person I had to visit," Jack said sadly, not bothering to hide the emotion. "I'm heading back to Wales now." _Too much to do, too many things to clean up, too many lonely nights ahead of me, _he thought.

"I, um, I might be moving to Cardiff," Ianto offered, and Jack's heart swelled with hope. He quickly quashed it. Ianto didn't sound like he remembered, more like he was curious about a good-looking stranger who'd given him his number.

"You have my number," Jack replied, his smile and voice even sadder than before. He wasn't going to hide his feelings anymore if Ianto didn't remember him. No need. "If you ever remember what's happened to you, call me. I'm not going anywhere."

Jack waited for a moment, but Ianto didn't say anything else, so he turned and rushed away, tears already threatening to fall at the futility of ever having this wonderful man in his life again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Waking to Live - Chapter 3**

**by Gracefultree**

A/N: This is another Jack-centered chapter. Looking ahead to the next chapter, we'll see more of Ianto's reactions to all that's been happening. As always, Read, Enjoy and Review!

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Jack threw his messenger bag on the passenger seat and slammed the door of the SUV closed with much more force than necessary, making the whole vehicle shake. He sat in the driver's seat for a long moment, gripping the steering wheel and staring into space as he cried silently. He sighed and turned the key in the ignition. He wiped a stray tear from his cheek and pulled out into traffic.

"Get it together, Jack," he said to himself. "Miracles don't happen every day. You didn't _really_ expect him to remember you, did you?"

"No," he said, answering his own question. "But I expected him to flirt back a little more. Kiss me, maybe."

He paused. "No, I didn't really expect a kiss, either."

As he was leaving the city, his mobile rang. He fished it out of his pocket and placed it in the dock on the dashboard. The display read: Tosh.

_Damn it_, he thought. _Why couldn't it have been Ianto? He has the diary. He has the postcard, and the business card I just gave him. He has the damned packet. Why hasn't he made the connection that all the signatures are the same?_

"You can tell Owen that the Retcon worked," he said gruffly, as soon as he answered the call. There was a moment of silence. "And I finished delivering all the compensation packets, like the Queen wanted, though why it had to be me and not a special courier, I don't know."

"So he didn't remember you?" Tosh asked softly, her voice piped through the SUV speakers.

"No, he didn't. He was checking me out, though, and when I gave him my number there was a spark."

"You made sure to touch him, then?"

"Of course. I needed to try something."

"And simply telling him who you were and that you love him and that it wasn't a betrayal wouldn't have worked?" Tosh asked, a small bit of annoyance in her voice. "We talked about this! You said you'd tell him!"

"I – I couldn't. Just seeing him, seeing how sad he looked, I couldn't. I wanted him to remember me, not just hear who I was. I didn't want him to react with anger before the other feelings caught up to him. He's got to have read the diary by now, and he wasn't exactly complimentary of me. I tried using some phrases we've said to each other, but that didn't seem to work, either."

"He didn't give many details about you in his diary," Tosh pointed out. "And nothing from after he told you about Lisa, so he doesn't remember her part in all this at all. He doesn't know how hard you tried to save her. All he knew is that if you retconned him, he'd have to be careful about what he wrote so as not to trigger the memories and become a threat to you. I mean, he said that, didn't he? And who knows, maybe a part of him doesn't want to remember."

"I can't believe that!" Jack declared. "He'll remember. I just have to give him time. Forcing memories after retcon can jumble everything up. Believe me, I know. I'm the one who gave Torchwood the recipe in the first place."

"It seemed like he expected you to find and read the diary, you know, from the last few paragraphs."

"I know. He probably figured I'd have you track him back through the CCTV and interrupt the post."

"He was right. Tampering with the post is child's play to me. Thinking of putting that postcard in the diary was definitely one of your better ideas. I'd never have thought to give him signatures to compare." Neither spoke for a moment. "So, you're on your way back?" Tosh asked.

"Yeah. How's Owen?"

"Still feeling very guilty about his part in all of this. He won't be happy to hear that the retcon worked so well. He's working on the antidote, but he's not very optimistic about it." She sighed, and he heard her typing. "He hasn't been truly sober since you left on Sunday. He got really drunk last night and told me that he'd never fucked up as much as he had with Ianto, that he wished he hadn't had to humiliate him or retcon him but didn't feel like he had a choice.

"Kind of like Ianto, actually," she commented, "feeling like he couldn't talk to you or anyone else about it. Some of the things Suzie did to Owen were pretty horrible."

"And you only know part of it," Jack growled. "I can't believe I didn't know Suzie was doing all that!"

"I didn't know, either, and I watched Owen."

"He has no idea you've got a crush on him, does he?"

"Not a clue."

"Well, tell him to keep at it. I'll review his research when I get back." Jack cursed and pounded a fist on the steering wheel. "Damn it! Why did she have to retcon him? Ianto came to me and told me about it. I was trying to help her! She wasn't a threat until Suzie started tampering with that emotion enhancer and set off the Cyberman programming!" He sighed sadly. "At least we were able to salvage enough of Lisa's body that the funeral had a body, unlike so many of the others."

"And I'll bet Ianto has no idea you helped Lisa's family with the funeral arrangements?"

"I doubt it. They needed the help, though. They wanted him there, and had no idea where he was, and wouldn't plan it until he was found. They knew he survived the attack, because his name was published in one of the lists the family members got, but he hadn't contacted them. I guess he lit out for Cardiff as soon as he could. I told them what I think he would have wanted and that I would make sure he was there for the funeral. It was a lovely service. I stood in the back and left before he could see me, but I felt it was only right of me to go."

"I think it was the right thing to do, too. He loved her."

"Yeah. I still can't believe what Suzie did! I lost him because of her," Jack growled, low in his throat.

"Owen's feeling guilty about that, too, you know. He got a good look at Ianto's flat. He said there were a lot of pictures of Ianto and Lisa, lots of reminders of them as a couple, and it made him extra upset that he hurt your relationship with him. It reminded him of living with Katie, and he hates that his actions are denying you that opportunity with Ianto. He knows how happy you were those first two weeks you were together."

"I'll talk to him again when I get back. It's not his fault Suzie was blackmailing him. And for her to threaten Katie's family in addition to all the stuff she was doing to him? That's beyond the pale."

"Yeah," she agreed sadly.

"Tosh? What did Owen think of his relationship with Lisa, from what he saw at Ianto's flat? Did he tell you?"

"He said it looked like they were trying too hard to make something work that was broken."

"Really?"

"You didn't get a look for yourself?"

"Didn't have time. And I didn't want to break in when he was out. I'm trying not to be a stalker."

"Good choice," she said, giggling. "Between the two of you, there's already been a lot of stalking!"

Jack grunted and wiped his eyes. "I should go, Tosh. I need to concentrate on the road."

"Wait! There's something else you need to know. I've been going through Suzie's computer usage, and she was in the process of setting up some really nasty programs. Things to lock down the Hub without her being here. And she's been stealing a lot of retcon. Owen knew about it, but didn't tell me how much until now."

"Do you know what she was doing with it?"

"Not yet. Owen doesn't know, either. She's not talking, and even if she were, Owen's keeping her sedated, in case she can trigger the lockdown program by saying a particular phrase. He's heard her memorizing poetry, so he thought it was a good precaution. She's not really the poetry type, as far as I knew."

"I'll interrogate her again, and I won't be as nice about it. Anything else?"

"Owen said Suzie was obsessed with you. That's she's been obsessed with you since you turned her down that time."

"I don't sleep with my employees! How hard is that to understand? She was working for me!"

"You made an exception for Ianto," Tosh pointed out.

"Ianto's different. He's not just a shag. She would've been."

"Anyway, I got a hold of her personal laptop, like you wanted, and it's filled with pictures and videos of you. There's even a video of you and Ianto in an alleyway. It's where she and Owen got all the pictures to send to Ianto. They're from all over the place. Anywhere she could get a picture of you, she got it. In different cities, different times. I reformatted the hard drive, of course."

"Good work, Tosh. That was a private moment with Ianto. Or so I thought. I guess everyone knows about it now, since he mentioned it in his diary." He ran his fingers through his hair. "Any reason you didn't tell me about that until now?" he asked.

"I didn't want to upset you when you were going to see Ianto."

"But you've had her computer for almost a week."

"I looked at some of the other things first. It was so disturbing I had to put it away for a while."

"That bad? And you, working for Torchwood?"

"The woman is sick, and her ideas of what's fun, well, let's say even Stephen King wouldn't be able to come up with some of this stuff."

Jack grunted. They remained silent for a few minutes while Jack drove, neither moving to disconnect the call. After a while he stopped trying to brush away the tears on his cheeks and just let them fall silently.

"Are you all right, Jack?" Tosh finally asked.

"I will be, eventually. I feel guilty for not noticing what was really going on with Owen, with Ianto, for not helping them sooner, for not digging deeper, for trusting Suzie when I shouldn't have."

"We both trusted her."

"I know, but I should have noticed. I shouldn't have let my feelings get in the way, and that's all I ended up doing. And they're still in the way. Shit. I haven't cried over a lover in years, and I'm crying over losing him."

"You're only human, Jack. You deserve love just as much as anyone does." She paused. "Maybe you shouldn't leave London yet. Give him a few days for his memories to come back. I can keep things going here."

"You're a good friend to offer, Tosh, but I can't stay there any longer if he doesn't remember me. It hurts too much. I'd rather bury myself in work and wait for him to call, if he ever does. I have to be prepared that he won't." Jack paused and took a deep breath, releasing it with a sigh. "Besides, I'm already halfway back."

"Driving as fast as always, I see," Tosh teased, though it fell flat.

"I've done stupidly dangerous things for less noble reasons than he did this, Tosh. How could I not forgive him? I mean, he did it for love!"

"He was playing you, and doing it well, but it was eating him up inside. I think he really cared about you. I think he might have been falling for you, as he said in his diary. Otherwise, why tell you about her? Why admit to bringing her into the Hub?"

"I don't know. I don't know anything about him anymore. Everything I thought I knew was a lie. Everything I might have learned that's true is gone, now that he's been made to forget the last month. He said he loved me, that he loved me more than he loved her, but now he's a new person, who hasn't been with me. We barely talked about their relationship, so I don't know what he'll be thinking now that she's gone and he has no reason to suspect anything but that she died at Canary Wharf like everyone else.

"Maybe, maybe all those things he said about being gay were just because I'm good in bed. And what does that say? It says I'm an egotistical maniac, thinking I can make straight people gay for me. Maybe their sex life was better than he claimed. Maybe he was just enamored of me and the new things we were doing. New is fun, after all, right? Maybe he'd just get bored of me once the newness wore off and he'd go back to women."

"Jack, you don't really think that, do you?"

"No," he said with a sigh. "I don't know what to think."

"It's not like you to be this insecure."

"It's not like me to fall in love, either," he said with a grunt. They remained silent for a few minutes until Jack spoke again.

"When I left just now, I told him I'd be waiting for him, if he still wanted something when he got his memories back. Not quite in those words, but I needed him to know that I forgave him, even if he never remembers who I am. I needed him to know that I forgave him even when he gets his memories back, in case they're spotty. Shit! I forgot to say I'd wait even if he doesn't get them back!"

"Relax, Jack. I think he'll understand. And you're doing all you can do. I hope he remembers, for both your sakes. Or at least calls you, even if he doesn't."

"Me, too, Tosh. Me, too. I'll be heartbroken for a long time, otherwise."


	4. Chapter 4

**Waking to Live - Chapter 4**

**by gracefultree**

A/N: As promised, here is a look at what Ianto has been doing since Jack left his flat. I have another Ianto chapter planned next, followed by one of Jack. We'll see where it goes from there, though I have the overarching plot planned out. It's how the various chapters take form that require a bit of tweaking.

Enjoy!

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Ianto shifted nervously from one foot to the other as he waited. He tried taking a deep breath, but it came out fast and shallow. He felt the beginnings of a panic attack as he stared at the door before him.

_Can't put it off any longer,_ he thought.

He opened the door and stepped into a small waiting area, full of uncomfortable chairs and year-old magazines. He let his breath out._ Good, just a normal consultant's office. I can deal with that. I can get through this._

After a few minutes, a short skinny woman with elegant gray hair pulled up in a bun opened the inner door and invited Ianto to join her. He gave her a shaky smile. He felt a wash of calmness flooding his system, and realized that UNIT had assigned him to an empathic therapist._ Not a bad thing,_ he reasoned._ And I really feel like I can trust her, like she knows what she's doing. She's signed the Official Secrets Act, so I can talk to her about Torchwood._ He paused._ Of course I can talk about it. That's what I'm here for!_

Her office was neat and reassuringly like a sitting room, if one ignored the desk in the corner. Three armchairs, a love seat, and end tables with small lamps and boxes of tissues.

"Where should I sit?" he asked.

"Anywhere you like is fine," she answered. He picked the armchair that faced the door, which was also farthest away from it, and sat on the edge. She took the chair opposite him. "So, as we discussed on the phone, I'm Robin —"

"I think I'm gay," Ianto blurted, interrupting her. "And I know I'm supposed to be here talking about Canary Wharf, but…"

"Whatever you need to talk about is fine," she said with a kind smile. "Have you been questioning your sexuality for a while?"

He blinked a few times. "A few weeks, I guess," he answered. "It's a long story."

She motioned for him to go on.

"So," he continued. "I think I'm gay. But I can't be gay after what my father did to me, but I think I had an affair with Jack Harkness immediately after the Battle, but he must've retconned me, because I can't remember an entire month, but he came to see me and made sure I had his number, and he looked so _sad_ that maybe he wasn't the one to retcon me after all, but even so, he's Jack Harkness, _the_ Jack Harkness, and I have really vivid dreams of having sex with him, but it can't be real because I'd never let a man touch me like that —"

Robin held up a hand to slow him down, since his words were falling all over themselves as he sped through his story, but he was staring at his clasped hands on his knees and didn't notice, fully committed to telling her everything now that he'd started.

"— And it's been a week since he came by, and I haven't had the courage to call him, and now I'm embarrassed to call, and what if he's angry I didn't call immediately? But I'm just so confused, and the dreams are so amazing, and I've never enjoyed sex as much as I'm enjoying the dreams, but what if I call him and he wants a relationship and I'm not ready and then I hurt his feelings, and I don't think I'm actually ready for sex with _anyone_ right now, not until I get myself figured out, but he's_ Jack Harkness_! Can I afford to let him wait any longer? Can I afford to say no to him?

"But I really can't remember anything that happened that month, and all I have is my diary, and it says I had an affair with 'Jack' but doesn't mention that he's Harkness, but I'm pretty sure it's him, and he's so beautiful, and I've never thought of a man as beautiful before, but he really is, and he seemed so sad last week when I didn't recognize him, and I _really_ want to see him smiling again because he's the kind of man who _should_ be smiling, and when he's smiled in my dreams it just kind of melts me and makes me happy and I want to see that look on his face again. And I think about his voice and I can almost hear him whispering to me at night, saying he loves me, and that feels so _wonderful_, so I must be gay after all, because otherwise why would it feel so good to have a man say he loves me?"

He paused for a breath and then rushed on.

"My girlfriend Lisa died at Canary Wharf, at least I think she did, and she's listed as 'dead' rather than 'missing and presumed dead' but my diary, vague as it is, seems to say that maybe she survived and I got a job with Jack to help her, and that I betrayed him for it, but she and I haven't been doing so well lately, and I haven't liked the sex in over a year, and I bought an engagement ring because it's the thing you're supposed to do, but never asked her to marry me, and now I don't think I'd want to even if she were alive and I've got to be the worst person ever, having an affair with a man days after my girlfriend died, but the dreams of Jack are so outstanding that I think I want to meet him again, but I'm too scared to do it yet, but I don't want to wait too long, because then he'll move on and I'll have missed my chance with him, and that really scares me, because I know I don't want to lose him, even if I don't know anything else."

He looked up to meet her eyes for the first time.

"And you should know that my father raped me for four years when I was a child and I've never told anyone, not even Lisa, and if I told Jack, which I guess I must have if we were having sex, then I don't remember it, so it's like I didn't tell him, but maybe I didn't, because the diary doesn't mention it at all, so maybe I had sex with him without telling him, and if the dreams are anything to go by, I loved it, but why would I let him touch me after what my father did?

"And lately I've been having nightmares, too, about the Tower falling, and the battle, and about my dad and what he did to me, and in the dreams it really _hurts_, but I've spent ten years suppressing the memories so I don't really remember them at all, but if I want to be with Jack, I have to deal with them so I'm not afraid, and I don't want to wake him up with nightmares, so I need to deal with those, too, so do you think you can fix me?" he finished in a broken voice. "I don't want to still be broken when I go back to Jack."

Robin looked at him with compassion. "You're not broken, Ianto," she said firmly. "But, yes, I will help you feel better. We can start with relaxation techniques to reduce some of your anxiety, then look at the memories, or dreams, once you're more stable. How does that sound?"

"Good," he replied softly. "Good, yeah, that might be good. I mean, I'll be a nervous wreck when I go back to Jack, but maybe I won't be as bad, if I can work on this."

"You think you want to go back to him? Start a relationship with him?"

"More than anything," Ianto whispered. "When I think of not having him in my life, my chest hurts." He settled back in the chair for the first time. "I'm just scared."

"It's OK to be scared," Robin said. "You've just been through a major traumatic experience, then lost your memories of a month, all on top of questioning your sexuality and a history of sexual abuse that you've never dealt with. We'll take it slow today. You shared a lot, and it sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking, too. Can you tell me why, aside from the dreams, you think you had an affair with Jack?"

Silently, Ianto handed over his diary. It started with the single entry that started this whole thing, then continued with his thoughts. He'd also taken to writing down his dreams and nightmares, even the erotic ones. Robin read over the first entry while Ianto fidgeted in his chair.

"This is very powerful stuff, Ianto," she said at last.

"You can call him, if you want, just to make sure he doesn't want to hurt me for the betrayal, whatever it was."

"And you'd like to know if he's thinking of you still?" she guessed.

"Well, um, yeah. Didn't think I was being too obvious about that."

"Why don't we talk about that next week? It might be too soon to bring him into the room like that."

Ianto sighed and nodded. For the rest of the session, they talked about anxiety, trauma, and how those things could be affecting his emotional and physical states. She explained that ongoing trauma like he suffered as s child could 're-wire' the brain, and that a lot of their work would be setting the neural pathways back to where they would have been, had all that not happened, as best as they could. He balked at that, but she told him that it was through talking, not alien technology, so he didn't have anything to worry about. She also told him that his overall personality wouldn't change, since so many people worried about that when they did this kind of work. They didn't discuss medication, though Ianto figured it was only a matter of time. He'd probably need something to be able to sleep, after all.

"Keep the diary for the week," he said as she escorted him from the room at the end of their meeting. "It's almost full and I can just start a new one anyway."

"Thank you, Ianto, for trusting me," she said. "I know it must be hard."

"I think it's time. I have a reason to look at all this stuff. I have a goal to work towards."

"And that goal is?"

"Jack."


	5. Chapter 5

**Waking to Live - Chapter 5**

**by gracefultree**

A/N: Thank you for the reviews! As you'll see in this chapter, Ianto's making a lot of changes in his life, now that he's been given a second chance. Next chapter will be Jack's pov.

Oh, and I'm going away for a week in a few days, which should be good for writing, but bad for posting. (No internet in the middle of the woods.) With any luck, there'll be a posting frenzy when I get back. And a completely new story or two!

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Ianto settled into a chair at his sister's kitchen table while she bustled around, making tea and getting out some biscuits. The children were both playing at friends' houses, and Johnny at work, so they were alone in the house. Ianto fidgeted with the spoon in front of him.

"Well, out with it," Rhiannon said, setting tea in front of him and taking her own seat. He took a small sip of tea. "You've clearly got something on your mind. I haven't seen you so nervous in years!"

"It's weird, missing a month of memories," Ianto began. "It's like, someone else lived my life and I'm only now hearing about it."

"You seemed happy when you came to visit," Rhiannon offered. "It surprised me at first, since Lisa just died — I'm sorry, shouldn't bring that up, should I?"

"No, it's OK," he rushed to say. "Me and Lisa, we weren't doing so well. I mean, I'm going to miss her, but not as much as if we were in love."

"Did you not love her, then? You were together almost two years."

"I'm not sure I know what love is," Ianto muttered. "I was attracted to her, and I liked living with her, but…"

"The sex wasn't good," Rhiannon guessed.

Ianto blushed furiously. "Rhi!"

"What? It's an important part of a relationship. Christ knows you have enough experience to tell if you like the sex."

"I'm not talking about this with you!" Ianto exclaimed, his blush deepening. "You're my sister!"

"Well, you've got to talk about it with someone, don't you? I'm a sure lot better than Dad would have been…" She trailed off as Ianto's blush disappeared into a stricken expression. "Ianto? What's wrong, love?" She covered his hand with hers, then sighed as he flinched away.

"Dad raped me," Ianto whispered. "Did you know that?"

"What?" Rhiannon shouted, pounding her fists on the table as she pushed herself to her feet. "What the — When? How? What —"

"Rhi!"

"Oh, that bloody bastard!" she growled. "That bloody fucking bastard! If he weren't dead, I'd kill him all over again!"

Ianto watched in awe as his usually formidable but kind sister charged around her kitchen, raving about what an asshole their father was for hurting Ianto. When she calmed down enough to look at him again, she saw his expression and her face fell.

"I'm sorry. Me yelling and carrying on probably doesn't help, does it? You've been getting help, though? Is that why you left so quickly after the bastard died?"

"I wanted a new life, where I didn't know anyone. I only started getting help after Lisa died, though. They offered all the survivors specialists. I've seen Robin twice now, in the month since I woke up, as I call it."

Rhiannon came over to Ianto and hugged him tightly. He didn't pull away this time. "Why didn't you tell me before? Did you tell Mum? When did it happen?"

"The first time was the morning of Mum's funeral," he admitted, returning the hug briefly. "It went on until I got back from lock-up that time when I was thirteen."

"Oh, you poor darling!"

"I didn't think you'd believe me," he said in a shaky voice. "You never believed me when I told you he broke my leg on the swing."

"He just pushed you a little too hard," she said automatically, then stopped herself. "Oh. I guess that's what you mean, isn't it?" Ianto rolled his eyes and nodded. She settled back into her seat across from him. "So, this is what you wanted to talk about? This is why you're so nervous?"

"Not exactly," Ianto said, taking a sip of his cold tea. "It's just the context for my problem. I didn't think I'd tell you that yet," he continued. "Seeing Robin, even just for the first two sessions, it's," he paused. "It's good, I think."

"This Robin lady must be good if you're talking to her. I remember when they tried to make you see someone after Mum died, remember? You refused to go."

Ianto nodded. "Yeah, well Dad had just started all that."

"I'm sorry. I should've noticed."

"I was keeping it quiet."

"You've always been good at keeping things to yourself."

"Yeah, well, anyway, since what happened in London, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I'm really confused. I think it's time to actually talk to people. I want to be a better brother to you."

"You're an excellent brother!"

"No, I'm not in contact enough. I'm going to change that."

"You won't get any complaints from me. Now, what are you so confused about?"

"I —" Ianto paused, looked away. He took a deep breath and rushed forward in a quickly intensifying pace reminiscent of his first session with Robin the week before. "I'm attracted to a man. And I only met him once for a few minutes, but he's really handsome, and he gave me his number and he lives here in Cardiff, and I think I slept with him during the time I can't remember, but he didn't mention it when he gave me his number, so I can't be sure, and he really _is_ handsome and I kind of want to see what's what, but even if I _did _sleep with him before, I don't remember it now and I'm scared of what it would mean to sleep with a man after what Dad did to me but I can't get him out of my head and I'm dreaming about him at night and the dreams are amazing, and they're driving me insane with curiosity, but would he even want to —"

"Easy, there, slow down," Rhiannon said, breaking into his panicked ramble in a way Robin couldn't have, not being family. He closed his mouth with a snap. "We'll take it a step at a time, yeah?" She waited for Ianto's nod before continuing. "You're attracted to a man?"

"Yeah."

"What's his name?"

"Jack."

"Jack?"

"Jack," Ianto confirmed.

"Jack, like that boss you mentioned?"

Ianto blushed crimson. "I think so."

Rhiannon sighed and decided to draw him out a little before making any judgments. "You think it's the same man?" Ianto nodded, not answering in words. "What's he look like?"

Ianto smiled dreamily, thinking of Jack. "He's tall, maybe an inch or so taller than me, and he has a bright smile and great teeth and wonderful lips and an infectious laugh, and his eyes are so blue… I couldn't stop staring at his mouth at first, then I got lost in his eyes… or maybe it was his eyes first…" He trailed off. "You're taking this rather well," he commented.

"Well, can't say as I didn't expect you to turn out bender," Rhiannon said with a chuckle. "No woman was ever good enough for you, no sir, and you went through enough of them when you were in university before settling down… and after what you just said about Lisa, well… It's not anything to be ashamed of, if that's who you are. Johnny'll take the piss, of course, but you expect that of him, don't you?"

She reached across the table and covered his hand with hers, noting happily that he didn't flinch this time. "You're still my little brother, no matter what, straight or bender." She let go of his hand. "So, he has blue eyes. What else? What's he do for work, or don't you know? Did you figure it out?"

"He came to my flat in London to deliver a compensation packet for those of us who survived Canary Wharf. Special assignment from the Crown, he said."

"A government man! Oh, there are lots of perks to dating one of them. And with you having worked for the government, well, there's lots to think about. Could you get your job back, do you think? Would you want to work with him again, if you're dating? Would that get messy, or do you think you'd be able to — "

"I'm not dating him!" Ianto exclaimed, blushing again.

"But you want to. I can tell."

"I don't know…"

"Do you think maybe he lost his memory, too? Is that why he didn't mention anything when you saw him?"

"No, I'm pretty sure he remembers. He was looking at me longingly. I didn't understand it at the time."

"Are you worried he'll be upset you don't remember him?"

"He seemed more sad than upset."

"So give him a call. Explain it to him. You just had a big trauma, and he knows about it, if he were delivering those packet things. It's natural to lose some memory."

"But what about — what about when it's time for — you know, sex? I don't think I can do it."

"So tell him that, too. And tell him why. If he likes you enough to search you out and make sure you have his number, he'll probably understand, yeah?"

"I suppose so," Ianto muttered dejectedly. "I don't want to disappoint him, though."

"Listen, just go for coffee with him. Make up an excuse that you have to come back here to see me or the kids if you need to. We can even plan for me to call you after a set time, like I used to do with my girlfriends when we were on blind dates."

"You're really not —" Ianto broke off and looked away. "You're not disappointed? You're not mad I'm thinking of someone else so soon after Lisa died?"

"Of course I'm not disappointed, you bloody fool! Christ Almighty! I'm so proud of you for making something of yourself, working for the government, getting out of the estates!"

"But this thing with Jack —"

"As long as he's good to you, I don't care. Maybe Lisa wasn't the right person for you, and it's time to move on. It's been two months since she died, now. How long had things been rough between you and her?"

"About a year. She, um, she wanted sex more than I did, and we'd fight about it, and, um, well, it'd been a while…"

"Sex isn't the only thing, though," Rhiannon pointed out.

"We lived like flatmates," Ianto explained. "Flatmates who slept in the same bed and shagged once a month. It wasn't much of a relationship. One or the other of us was probably going to break it off soon, anyway." He sighed. "I called her my girlfriend, but I don't think I really meant it after the first year. I bought an engagement ring, but I couldn't give it to her. I couldn't ask her. I knew she wasn't the right person for me. Marrying her would have been a big mistake."

"So, that's your answer. You're moving on."

"I'm moving on," he repeated dully.

"What's the sex like with Jack? Do you like it?"

"Rhi!"

"I'm just asking. If it's better than with Lisa, that's good, right?"

"I don't remember," Ianto confessed. "But the dreams, if the dreams are any indication, yeah, I like it."

"There you go! Do you have a picture of this Jack fellow?"

Ianto grinned happily for the first time that afternoon. "Actually, yeah. I hacked into my building's security camera," he said proudly. He pulled a small picture out of his wallet and handed it over.

"Oh! He's a looker!"

"Yeah," Ianto said, the gentle smile on his face again.

"He's gorgeous, like a film star."

"Now, Rhi —"

"Like an escort!" she said slyly, giggling. "How'd you pull a cute guy like him, anyway?"

Ianto rolled his eyes, exasperated.

"You've got to call him. Then call me and tell me when you're meeting him so we can make plans. You'll need a new outfit! We'll need to go shopping! This is so exciting!"

"I can't see him yet," Ianto protested. "I can't call yet. I'm not ready. I need to work on some of my issues with Dad first."

"By working with that therapist?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe you should write Jack a letter, then, just so he knows you're thinking of him? If you're even considering starting something with him, you need to let him know not to lose hope, yeah?"

"You know, that might not be a bad idea," Ianto mused.

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_Dear Captain Harkness,_

_I regret to inform you that I do not wish to seek employment with you at this time. Should I re-evaluate that decision, I will be sure to contact you at the telephone number you provided. _

_Sincerely, _

_Ianto Jones_

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Ianto stared at the letter in front of him for a minute before balling it up and tossing it to the floor next to half a dozen other attempts. He started again.

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_Dear Jack,_

_I wish I remembered you. I don't. I feel like something is missing from my life, and I don't know if it's Lisa or you. It's probably you. I never told you, but she — _

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Another paper ball hit the floor.

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_Dear Jack,_

_I know that you didn't kill me, or have me killed, so my betrayal must not have been so bad, after all. I can't remember it. I can't remember anything about that month. _

_I have dreams about you, though. Sexy dreams. Dreams I'd be embarrassed about having, if they weren't so real. Maybe they're memories. _

_Would you even want — _

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Another paper ball hit the floor, bounced against one of its mates.

_Dear Jack, _

_My therapist says -_

_._

_Dear Jack,_

_I think I love you, but I don't remember you, so I'm not sure what it means -_

_._

Ianto growled at himself as he crumpled up the last paper."How hard can it be to write a single letter?" he mumbled, pulling another piece of paper to him.

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_Dear Jack, _

_I miss you. Please wait for me -_


	6. Chapter 6

**Waking to Live - Chapter 6**

**by Gracefultree**

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A/N: Hello darlings! I'm back from vacation with the next installment ready to go. Read, enjoy, and review.

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The sound of the tourist office buzzer woke Jack from a fitful sleep. Groaning, he pulled on a pair of trousers by feel and added a t-shirt. By that time, his brain had woken up enough to realize that it wasn't the tourist office buzzer, it was the buzzer _inside_ the tourist office. Only a few people had keys to get in there, and two of them knew how to get into the base because they were his employees, and aside from the special Priority One and Two-level couriers that were becoming rare now that Torchwood Tower was destroyed, the only other person was —

"Ianto!" Jack breathed, grabbing a dark blue button-down shirt which he threw on and buttoned quickly as he rode the lift. He glanced at his hair in the mirror outside the tourist office and tucked his shirt in, deciding there wasn't much else he could do in the middle of the night. _Ianto! Oh, thank God, you remember! _

Forgetting to check the CCTV in his excitement, Jack opened the door and walked through, right into the blond woman standing there.

"Captain!" she said, grabbing his arms to keep them both standing.

"Vanessa," Jack replied, blinking away his surprise. "What are you doing here? And so late? It must be past midnight."

She reached in her messenger bag and pulled out a Priority Two envelope. "Here you go," she said, handing it over.

Jack's lips quirked upwards. "You didn't need to bring this right here. Priority Two could have waited until the morning," he chided, though he had an idea of why she'd decided not to wait.

Years ago, they'd been casual lovers, getting together whenever work brought them together in the form of a missive that wouldn't wait for the usual channels. She'd been Vincent back then, and miserable. Unable to keep a girlfriend, she'd turned to Jack, with his reputation for openness about who he would sleep with, and with his support and occasional presence in her life, she'd become the woman she'd always wanted to be. Jack, as was his wont, had stayed on as a casual lover and friend throughout. It was close to six months since they'd last seen each other, and Jack would bet good money that she'd come early on the off-chance that she could spend the night with him. He wasn't looking forward to disappointing her.

"Who even has Priority Two clearance since Canary Wharf fell?" Jack asked. "Unless it's UNIT?"

"He didn't tell me his name, but he had the proper codes," she answered. "Cute, but gay. Wouldn't even flirt with me." She sighed dramatically and leaned against the counter. "He was Torchwood, though. Researcher, from what my supervisor said. Only one left sane, of those who were in the building when it came down."

Jack blinked back hope and turned on the main lights to get a closer look at the envelope. The return address read: _I. Jones_

Jack tore into the letter.

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_Dear Jack,_

_Is it selfish of me to ask you to wait for me? Even if it is, I'll do it. _

_Please wait for me. _

_I want to meet you, but I'm not ready yet. It's hard for me, not remembering you, and knowing that we had as an intense a relationship as my diary suggests gives me a lot to think about. And I __do_ _believe it was a relationship. The dreams I have of us together, well, let's just say that it's clear it's not just sex. _

_All I have are the dreams and the diary. I don't remember you, or working for you, or what I did that I thought was a betrayal. That you sought me out to make sure I could find you makes me think that it wasn't as bad as I worried it would be, that somehow you're able to forgive me. You did say you had a 'forgiving ear,' didn't you? I hope that's what you meant by that. _

_I'm not sure I'll ever get the memories back of that month, so for now, I have no choice but to move forward without them. That's part of why I need time before we meet. _

_The other part — Let's just say that there are things you don't know about me that I need to deal with before I can feel comfortable contemplating a relationship with you. It has nothing to do with you, so don't get worried. I'd have to deal with it before I started __any_ _relationship. Should've done before I dated Lisa, but we're not always on top of our own shit, are we? _

_I'm getting help. I have a therapist named Robin who's very supportive and understanding. It's making things easier to be able to talk to her. At some point I might ask you to talk to her, so that one of us knows what actually happened that month, but we're not at that stage yet. I'm also talking to my sister Rhiannon more. _

_Whatever happened, whatever's been going on, it gave me the impetus to change some parts of my life that needed change, so for that I thank you. _

_I'm sorry I can't jump back into whatever we had. I hope you understand why I can't do more right now. _

_I'll be staying in London for the foreseeable future, so I won't be able to accept that job you offered. I know I still have keys to the Hub on my keyring, somehow, so please let me know if you'd like them back. Of course, I don't remember where the Hub __is__, so that might not be such an issue. I also have a security swipecard. This makes me think that you weren't the one to take me back to London, because I can't imagine you'd want me to have these things if you were cutting me off completely. I don't remember any of my passcodes and I won't do anything to break your security. _

_I'm not sure what else to say at this point. Know that I'm thinking of you, know that I'm trying to figure myself out enough to meet you in person again, know that I'll call you when I feel comfortable enough to do so. I want to know the truth, but I know I'm not ready. As I said, I need time. _

_If it's not too much to ask, could you send me a picture of you? _

_Thank you for everything, Jack. _

_Keep me in your heart. _

_Ianto_

_._

_._

Jack closed his eyes tightly and breathed a sigh of relief. Ianto was safe. Ianto wanted him in his life, eventually. Ianto was getting help.

"Jack?" Vanessa asked, putting a hand on his arm. "Are you OK?"

He opened his eyes. "He asked me to wait for him," he whispered, emotion almost choking him.

"Who?"

"Ianto, the man I'm seeing. He was at Torchwood Tower, like you thought. He lost his memory, though, so he's working through some stuff before he comes back here. He wants me to wait for him," Jack explained. "I haven't seen him in six weeks."

"So my thought of coming early…" she trailed off.

"I'm sorry," Jack said. "I can't. Not right now."

She shrugged. "A lot can change in six months, can't it? I should probably head back since there's no point in staying." She turned away.

Jack stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. "Can you stay in town for the night? I'll take you to breakfast. I should have a response for you to take back to him by then."

"You really like him, don't you?"

"Yes," Jack replied. "I didn't expect it, but I'm not going to fight something that feels so right. I just have to be patient as he goes through whatever his process is."

"This Ianto is a lucky man. I hope he's good to you. You deserve some happiness."

"Thanks. I hope he doesn't take too long to figure himself out."

"You can call me, you know, if you need something simple without strings," she offered. "I won't expect it, but if you need it, you know how to find me."

Jack pulled her into a hug, then kissed her cheek and let her go. "I'll text you in the morning," he said, his mind already on Ianto and what he would write in response.

_._

_._

_***TW TW TW***_

_._

_._

Ianto blinked blearily at the courier he'd sent to Cardiff and Jack not 12 hours ago. She stood on his doorstep with a smile on her face and an envelope in her hands.

"Priority One," he whispered, taking it.

"The Captain is a good man," she said. "He helped me out a few years back with something really important. If you want to talk to someone who knows him, my mobile's on the back," she added, handing him her business card.

"How well do you know him?" Ianto couldn't help but ask, a twinge of jealousy in his voice.

"We were lovers, every few months for a day or so. Were. Past tense." She paused and tapped the envelope. "I don't know what's going on between you two, he didn't tell me, but if it's what I think it is, don't make him wait too long. He doesn't need anymore heartbreak in his life."

"Um, thank you." Ianto twisted the envelope, not sure if he was ready to open it.

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_Dear Ianto,_

_I will wait as long as you need me to. I care about you deeply, and I wish only happiness for you after the life you've already had._

_I cannot swear monogamy while I wait, but I promise that any liaisons I might have will be brief, casual, and as infrequent as possible. I know it might hurt to have me say that, but I need to have that part of me out in the open between us if I'm going to be true to myself. I'm just not able to hold out for the possibility of a relationship at some unspecified future time. __If/when we get back together, there won't be anyone but you__. I promise that, as well._

_You know of my reputation, and while it was well-deserved once, it's been years since it's been real. I've kept it up, cultivated it, but that's not who I am anymore._

_I know what it's like to be missing memory. I lost two years, once, and I never got those memories back. I'd be happy to talk about it with you, if you'd like. I'm also happy to send your therapist a summary of what happened or speak to her whenever you think it's the right time. _

_You didn't betray me. Rather, you hurt me, and I'm ashamed to admit that I responded by hurting you back. It's not one of my better moments, and I'm deeply sorry for doing it. I also wasn't the one to give you retcon. There's several days after you mailed your diary that you don't know about, and we were working through things together._

_I love you, Ianto, and I miss you. I also respect your privacy and will keep from contacting you unless you ask me to. Heal at your own pace. I'll be waiting._

_Until we see each other again._

_Yours,_

_Jack_

_._

_._

_***TW TW TW***_

_._

_._

Ianto had a smile on his face as he handed the letter from Jack across the room to his therapist. "This is just about the best response I could hope for," he said. "He said he'd wait for me!"

"It doesn't sound like the Jack Harkness I've heard about," Robin commented after reading it.

"No, but it feels right, somehow. Like, I know him by reputation, but I also know him on this instinctive level that tells me that this is real."

He handed her the stack of photos Jack sent along with the letter. On top was a black and white glossy 8x10 headshot with_ 'To Ianto with love, Captain Jack Harkness'_ scrawled along the bottom. A small note was paperclipped to it that read:_ "Sorry! Couldn't resist! ;-) -CJH"_ The second photo was in color, of Jack in a distinctive blue-grey RAF coat, standing by himself in front of the water tower on the Roald Dahl Plass in Cardiff. The third showed Jack with a petite Asian woman and a short skinny man, which the note on the back informed him was Toshiko Sato and Owen Harper. The fourth picture showed Ianto, dressed in a suit, posing with a bar of chocolate and a pterodactyl who wanted the chocolate. _'Ianto with Myfanwy,' _read the caption on the back. The final picture, clearly a CCTV screen capture, showed Jack sitting on a sofa in front of a stained tile wall with the word 'Torchwood' inscribed behind him. His eyes were focused on Ianto, who had his head in Jack's lap. The look in Jack's eyes was pure adoration, and even with the grainy resolution of the image, they could tell that Ianto's expression matched in intensity and passion.

"Well, looks like we've figured out who Myfanwy is and why you like pterodactyls all of a sudden," Robin said with a chuckle.

"Yeah," Ianto replied. "And for better or worse, he loves me, and it looks like I loved him right back, doesn't it?"


	7. Chapter 7

**Waking to Live - Chapter 7**

**by Gracefultree**

A/N: Here's a nice long chapter for you. Enjoy!

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Ianto sat in his living room with a glass of scotch in one hand and his mobile in the other._ It's after eight,_ he thought._ I won't be interrupting dinner. And if he's working, he'll just tell me to call him back, right? God, please don't be working!_ He sipped the drink and dialed.

_"Harkness,"_ an agitated voice answered. Ianto immediately recognized it from his dreams as Jack's. Sirens blared in the background, and he knew Jack must be driving.

"Jack?" he asked softly, slightly put off by Jack's brisk tone and concerned that they wouldn't be able to talk.

_"Ianto?"_ Jack breathed, hope and excitement in his voice, though it was barely audible over the sound of screeching tires, honking horns and curses in the background._ "Ianto, is that you?"_

Before Ianto could answer, another voice spoke up. Male and angry, with a familiar Cockney accent.

_"Harkness! Learn how to drive already! You almost killed us back here!"_

_"Shut up! It's Ianto,"_ Jack barked at the other man.

_"Sorry! Sorry, forget I'm here,"_ the other voice grumbled. _"Take your call."_

_"Ianto? Hi, how are you?"_ Jack asked in a quieter tone. His voice was louder, though, indicating he'd picked the mobile up from the dock in whatever car he was driving so they could have slightly more privacy than having Ianto's voice blaring over the speakers. _Probably the SUV I've dreamed about,_ Ianto decided._ How many times did we have sex in it, I wonder?_ he asked himself._ From the variety of the dreams, at least a dozen times. But that can't be right! My diary said we didn't have sex when I worked for him… except that last day, and I doubt that happened in the SUV…_

Jack's voice was also nicer, calmer, as if knowing it was Ianto on the other end of the call relaxed him. It certainly relaxed Ianto to hear the calmer side of Jack.

_"Um, Jack?"_ asked a distinctly Welsh voice. A woman's voice._ "We kind of have somewhere to go. Can't you deal with this later?"_

"Jack, I can call back another time, if you're in the middle of something," Ianto offered, even as he wished he weren't so polite. Now that he'd made the call, he _really_ wanted to speak to the man, and even delaying for an hour seemed like torture.

_"No, no, it's fine,"_ Jack said quickly._ "Just give me a minute. I want to talk to you, so don't even think of hanging up."_

_"Gwen, let him talk,"_ another woman's voice said, talking over Jack's since she was part of the larger conversation in the car. _"It's Ianto, and we can wait a little while."_

_"Since when did Jack's boyfriend become more important than our work?"_ the Welshwoman asked impatiently.

Ianto felt a rush of pleasure that some stranger knew about him, knew that he was important to Jack. They hadn't talked about dating when they sent those letters, Ianto hadn't asked and even though Jack had said he'd wait for Ianto, it hadn't been defined as dating, per se. It hadn't even been considered monogamous, though Ianto hadn't been with anyone, and the thought of anyone but Jack touching him mildly repulsed him. That Jack considered him his boyfriend meant more than he could put into words in his own head. The Welshwoman continued.

_"He doesn't seem like that good of a boyfriend if I haven't met him in the three months I've been here. You've all met Rhys!"_

_"He lives in London,"_ the woman replied. _"He'll come to Cardiff when he's ready. He was at Canary Wharf."_

_"Oh, that terrorist bombing? That's a shame."_

_"You idiot!"_ the London man shouted. _"That was aliens. Jack's told you that! 800 people died that day, many of them Ianto's friends."_

_"Well, it doesn't really matter, does it? Either way, Jack deserves better than that, don't you think? He shouldn't be waiting for some doormat of a guy who doesn't even live in the same country! Does he have any idea what Jack does? And he's OK letting him risk his life every day? If Rhys knew what I did he'd never let me out of his si —"_

The London man responded, his voice low and angry._ "Cooper, if I ever hear you badmouth Ianto again, so help me God —"_

_"Hold on,"_ Jack said into the mobile, and Ianto heard shuffling on the other end._ "Gwen, drop it! Owen, I appreciate your defense of Ianto, but we don't have the time. You drive. I'll meet you there. Tosh, you're in charge."_

A chorus of 'got it' and 'fine' met Ianto's ears as a car door opened.

_"But how will you get there?"_ the Welshwoman whined.

_"Leave him to it,"_ the Londoner said amidst more shuffling. A second door opened, then slammed shut. _"We can handle whatever it is until he gets there."_

_"Jack!"_ she shouted. Another door opened.

_"Get back in the car, Gwen,"_ Jack snarled, and Ianto had a glimpse of what his anger was like, at least when directed at someone else. _"I'll join you when I'm done with my call, so stop this nonesense and do your job. My relationship is none of your business. Got it?"_

_"But —"_

_"Now!"_

Slow, reluctant movement, and two more doors shut. The car engine revved once before moving off. Ianto held his breath, hoping Jack would be able to shake the anger. Jack, and the other two, were defending him, though, and that was a good thing, right?

_"Ianto?"_ Jack asked again, softer, no longer angry. Ianto decided he must have epic compartmentalization skills._ "I'm really sorry about that. Gwen's new to the team, and we haven't worked out the kinks yet."_

"No, I'm sorry I called when you're clearly busy," Ianto answered. "I really _can_ call back some other time. We could start the whole conversation over, avoid the whole talking while driving thing."

Jack chuckled._ "I've flown spaceships through live minefields while teaching someone particle physics and made it safely to the other side all for a drink at a seedy space bar and their special peanuts. I can handle a conversation while driving a car on Earth in the twenty-first century. It doesn't even fly! I was just startled to hear from you so out of the blue._

_"It's a routine tech retrieval mission, anyway, and the only reason all of us were there is because Gwen's new. Her first day didn't go very well, so we've been trying to all be there when she's out in the field."_

"Oh, well, I guess that's all right, then." Ianto took a deep breath before continuing. "I still don't remember you, though I've been trying to," he said softly. "I don't remember us, or what I did that I thought was a betrayal, or working for you or any of it."

_"That's OK. Owen's working on an antidote. It's getting better, but it's not quite —"_

"I'm not sure I want to remember everything."

_"Oh."_ Ianto heard the upset in Jack's voice and wanted to make it go away, though he wasn't sure how, wasn't sure of much of anything, now that he had Jack on the other end of the phone, now that Jack was completely focused on him and not driving, or his team, or whatever tech he was going to go find.

"Um, I, I'm not really sure what to say," Ianto said in an even quieter voice. "I have a whole speech here, all planned out and ready to read to you, but now that I have you on the phone, it's just rubbish." He paused, and Jack's breathing hitched.

_"Say anything,"_ Jack managed when it didn't seem like Ianto would speak again. _"I'll listen to anything. The weather, anything!"_

"I want to meet you, if that's OK," Ianto said hesitantly. "I know it's been six months since we had any kind of contact, more than that, actually, but… I needed to take care of myself. I didn't think you'd mind."

_"No, that's fine! I'm glad you took the time. I mean, I'd rather you did it here, with me, but… I know you needed it. When I never heard from you or Robin —"_

"Yeah, about that. I wasn't ready to speak to you, and since I'm still on the fence about knowing what happened, we decided it would be better for my treatment if she didn't know. That way she wouldn't be influenced by the extra knowledge."

_"Makes sense,"_ Jack said. There was a long pause where neither of them spoke. _"Do you —"_ Jack broke off at the nervousness in his voice, started again._ "Do you want to go for coffee, maybe? I'd offer dinner and a movie, but that might be too fast, huh? Though if that's what you want, we can do that. If it were before, I'd just take you to bed, but that's definitely too fast, right? There's no way you'd be ready for that, and if all you want is to meet me, then it's totally out of line for me even to suggest it, so I'm not suggesting it, unless you want to, of course, in which case I'm totally on board, because I really have missed you, and I'm not just talking sex, but I miss that, too, and I haven't been with anyone since you, so if you do want that…"_

"You're babbling," Ianto said with a snicker, amused that Captain Harkness of Torchwood infamy was so awkward when talking with him. He wasn't even bothered by Jack's suggestion that they have sex. In fact, his cock was beginning to stir. He repressed the feeling as inappropriate for the current situation. Phone sex was definitely _not_ on his agenda for the evening. Though future evenings… that might be an entirely different story…

_"I guess I am,"_ Jack replied, a smile in his voice for the normality of the conversation. Ianto had a vague sense that he'd accused Jack of babbling when they were together in Jack's flat. His cheeks hurt from the unaccustomed action of a real smile instead of the fake one he showed so many. He knew Jack had a plastic grin, one that masked his emotions behind flirtation and forced frivolity.

_"So, what do you want to do?"_ Jack asked, bringing Ianto out of his search for a memory of them in Jack's flat.

"This coffee you mentioned, would it be a —" Ianto hesitated briefly over the word. "—date?"

_"Only if you want it to be one,"_ Jack said strongly. _"I'd like it to be, but I also don't want to push. You don't know me from Adam, and I know an awful lot about you. And, God, I just offered to have sex with you, didn't I?"_ Jack finished, clearly horrified at how his mouth worked so much more quickly than his brain. Ianto put it down to nerves and chuckled.

"You did," Ianto answered, letting Jack hear the amusement in his voice. "Several times, actually."

_"Oh, sorry."_

"No, don't apologize for that. I — I want to try that, at some point. I, just, I'm not ready yet."

_"As I said in that letter, take what time you need."_

"You call me your boyfriend?"

_"Yeah. I hope you don't mind. I needed to be able to call you something when I hired Gwen and she started asking about the picture of you I have on my desk."_

"You have a picture of me on your desk?" Ianto breathed, awed that Jack would tell him something like that, let alone have it.

_"Well, of course! Sometimes I look at it and think, 'Ianto would want me to finish this paperwork', or 'I wonder what Ianto's doing?' or 'what sarcastic remark would Ianto make about this situation?' or 'Ianto would know what the Archives say about this,' or just simply, I miss you."_

"I miss you, too. I mean, I don't know you, but I miss you. Is that weird?"

_"With Torchwood in our lives? Hardly,"_ Jack answered, laughing again. His voice sobered for his next question. _"How are you? Really?"_

"Getting better, slowly. Therapy's a long process, Robin says, especially when I'm not used to talking about feelings and things. The first time I met her, I told her the whole story really quickly, then it was very hard to go back. I've missed a few sessions when it was too hard."

_"Getting help is never easy,"_ Jack said seriously. _"But I'm glad you're doing it."_

"Can I — um — ask you something?" Ianto blurted. "You said in your letter that you couldn't swear to monogamy, but earlier you said —"

_"I know. It was more about needing you to know who I am than about actually doing something. I didn't want you to get upset if it took longer than you anticipated to get better and I needed to scratch an itch. So to speak."_

"But you haven't," Ianto clarified, another flush of pleasure tinging his cheeks that Jack had waited for him.

_"No, I haven't. Celibacy's not my thing, but I was planning to wait at least a year before I stepped out. I can do that much, at least. You deserve it. And honestly, I don't want to be with anyone but you. Not for a very long time."_

"You thought it would take a year for me to get back to you?"

_"Between the trauma of Canary Wharf, losing your girlfriend, losing a month of memories, figuring out your sexuality, and all that shit with your father, yeah, I thought it could take a year. I've seen people in therapy for a lot longer over much less trauma and fewer issues."_

Ianto's mouth went dry. "You know about my father?" he choked out. Before he could stop himself, he hung up the phone, turning it off so Jack couldn't call him back. "Fuck," he whispered, clenching his eyes closed as a flashback washed over him, sending him into a cold sweat. "Fuck. What do I do now?"

Tears began leaking out of his closed eyelids. He tried to keep them inside, but they were persistent, falling faster and faster.

_Jack knows,_ he thought._ Jack knows about my dad. Shit! I didn't want him to know. God, will he still want me? Will he even let me back into his bed? Fuck! I'm tainted goods. I'm dirty, and worthless, and —_

Ianto's mobile screamed to life, Jack's voice coming through the speaker loud and clear and scared.

_"Ianto? Ianto! Are you OK? Talk to me, gorgeous!"_

"Jack, I can't —"

_"If you're too overwhelmed to talk, I get it,"_ Jack interrupted. _"We don't have to talk more today. Just, please, please, don't hang up on me like that! I get worried, and you're in London, and —"_ Jack stopped himself, took a deep breath, continued in a more subdued tone._ "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up your father. I'll let you go. Just, I need to know you're OK. With the work I do, the work you used to do — God, I've lost far too many people over the phone like that,"_ he explained. _"Bombs, aliens, all kinds of things could have happened — I —"_

"I'm fine," Ianto whispered. "Overwhelmed, upset, out of my depth, but I'll be fine. I'll call you again, yeah? I can't talk more today."

_"Yeah,"_ Jack said, calmer, yet still agitated. _"Should I wait for you to call, or can I call you in a few days?"_

"I'll call you. I'm sorry."

_"No, don't apologize. I'm just glad you're OK. I'll be waiting."_

"Thanks. Bye, Jack."

_"Bye, Ianto. I love you."_

The phone clicked off, powering down. Whatever technology Jack had been using to contact him, it only kept the mobile on while the call was connected. Ianto stared at it for another minute.

"Fuck, this is harder than I thought it would be," he muttered, wiping at his tears. "We didn't even set up that date." He shook his head and groaned. "I'm such a fucking mess!"


	8. Chapter 8

**Waking to Live, Chapter 8**

**by Gracefultree**

A/N: Note that it's been about five or six more months in Jack & Ianto's lives since the last chapter, for a total of about a year since Canary Wharf fell. Enjoy!

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Jack wanted to go to London to save Ianto a trip of coming to Cardiff for their date. Tosh said, no, definitely not. Ianto picked the place and Jack had to respect that choice.

Jack wanted to pick Ianto up at the train station, save him the hassle of getting all the way to the Plass. Tosh said, no, not unless you want him to think you're a stalker.

Jack wanted to be early to prove how important Ianto was. Tosh said, no, that's too enthusiastic and might make Ianto uncomfortable. It's the first time they're seeing each other in a year, isn't it? You don't want to overwhelm him.

Jack wanted to wear a suit because it would impress Ianto. Tosh said, no, that's too formal for a coffee date, but a waistcoat would be nice. Ianto liked the navy one, didn't he? With a white shirt and the fob watch? And make sure the trousers match!

Jack wanted to bring flowers, or chocolates, or wine or 30 year-old Scotch, or —

Owen said, shut the fuck up and go on your bloody date already, you're making the rest of us batshit crazy! And don't bring him anything. Blokes don't like that on a first date.

Tosh giggled at Jack's obvious nervous enthusiasm and straightened Jack's collar before giving him a kiss on the cheek and a push towards the invisible lift.

Jack, a swagger in his step and a hopeful grin on his face, said, if I'm not back in an hour, don't wait up!

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"Bloody arrogant git," Owen grumbled, a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth. "For once, I actually _want_ to be on overnight Rift duty," he added, winking at Tosh.

"Softy," she teased.

"I'm still angry they shagged on the couch," he muttered.

"The mood enhancer was right there! You can't blame them!"

Owen just grunted.

"We don't blame you, either," Tosh said. "Jack said it himself."

"Maybe you should. Blame me, I mean. I'm the one that caused this problem in the first place. If I hadn't given Ianto the retcon…"

"No, Suzie caused this. And she's locked up where no one will let her out ever again."

"UNIT. At least they're good for something."

"I can't believe I'd ever _want_ to send someone there, but she deserves it," Tosh declared angrily. "If things don't go well with Ianto and Jack, I might tip them off to some of her more nefarious plans."

"Toshiko has a vindictive side," Owen muttered. "Who knew?"

Just at that moment, Gwen walked into the Hub amidst the usual fanfare. Owen rolled his eyes in a gesture he'd picked up from his brief association with Ianto. "You're late, Cooper!" he shouted in her direction, leaving Tosh to go over to his station.

"I know, I'm sorry! I can explain —" She broke off, looking around. "Where's Jack?"

"Vacation," Owen said, turning to the game of Tetris on his monitor.

"Vacation? Jack _never_ goes on vacation! What if there's an emergency?"

"He's in town, but doesn't want to be disturbed," Tosh answered. "I can call him if we need him."

"How long will he be gone?"

"What do you think, Owen? A day? Two?"

"At least," the doctor answered. "It goes well, I won't expect him for a week, bloody wanker."

"That's it?" Gwen asked. "That's all we know?"

"That's all _you_ need to know," Tosh said, putting on her reading glasses and moving to concentrate on her screens.

"But we're a team! Aren't we supposed to take care of each other? How can we do that if you all have secrets from me?"

Owen left his game and walked up to stand directly in front of Gwen. "Torchwood is not an egalitarian organization," he told her firmly. "There are things it's not safe for us to know that Jack doesn't tell us about. There are things about each of us that are too painful to talk about that remain secret, though Jack knows them, also. His word is law, Cooper, and if you don't stop trying to go where you're not wanted, he'll do something about it."

"I just want to help…"

"Yeah, you want to help yourself get into his pants, despite that both of you have boyfriends. We get that," Owen added. "He's not interested!"

"How dare you?" Gwen hissed.

"Minor Rift flare!" Tosh called out. "Gwen, you can go deal with it. Looks inorganic."

"I can't go alone!"

"This is what you get for being three hours late to work," Tosh said. "It's small and inorganic. If you have a problem, call us on the comms."

"I'm going to tell Jack about this!"

"Good," Tosh said. "But I'd recommend against doing it until he gets back. You might find yourself without a job or memory."

Seething silently but obviously, Gwen gathered her kit and left, casting glares in their direction as often as she could. Owen sidled up to Tosh.

"There's no Rift flare, is there?" he asked knowingly.

"Nope," Tosh agreed. "But it's far enough out that it'll take her a while to get there, search and come back. Who knows how long she'll look before she realizes it was a trick. And if she disturbs Jack…"

"I'd pay money to see his reaction." Owen sighed. "But I'd understand it. It's been a year since they've seen each other, and Ianto still doesn't remember him. I might consider not interrupting him even if the world's ending."

"Good thing I'm in charge, then, isn't it?" Tosh replied. "We have to be practical."

"Do you think it'll work out for them?"

Tosh motioned him over and pointed to the monitor that was watching the Plass. On screen, two men were kissing passionately, one of them obviously Jack, with his distinctive coat. They broke their kiss and stared into each other's eyes for a moment before Jack took Ianto's hand and pulled him away from Torchwood in the direction of his flat.

"I think it'll be fine," Tosh whispered, tears in her eyes and a smile on her lips. "I think it'll be good."


	9. Chapter 9

**Waking to Live - Chapter 9**

**by Gracefultree**

A/N: Here we are, with Ianto's pov again, in the form of his diary. Enjoy!

Warnings to discussion of non-con, sex, and slight BDSM.

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Here I am at Paradisia Cafe an hour early for my date. Yes, you can say it. I'm nervous about meeting Jack again. I know the Torchwood base is under the Plass, somewhere, so I found a table by the window that overlooks it. I want to be able to see him coming.

It's difficult to describe the feelings going through my mind as I wait for the man I've been dreaming about for so many months. My therapist would get out that stupid chart of faces and ask me to point to my mood. Excited, scared, hopeful, anxious, to name the top four.

Turned on, but there isn't a face for that on her chart.

Almost a year I've been thinking about this day, fantasizing about it, dreaming about it, writing about it, speculating about it. What would happen? Would he kiss me? Would I kiss him back? Would I be the one to initiate the kiss? Would he take me back to his flat and do all those wicked things I want him to do to me? Would he want to be in a relationship to do them? Would I be willing to do them if we weren't in a relationship?

It's clear from the few conversations we've had that _he_ considers us in a relationship already, as if we never really ended. And he doesn't seem all that upset that it's taken so long for me to be able to meet him in person. Sure, I thought I'd call him and then I'd be asking him to come to London for a visit, but things didn't quite happen that way. It was such a shock that he knew about my father that I shut down for a few weeks. A month, more like.

I needed more time before I could talk to him again, let alone see him, and he hasn't pressured me. His only request is that I not hang up on him without saying goodbye. That's not so hard to manage, and I've been able to do it, even though I can't say I love him the way he says he loves me every time.

It feels odd to know that there's this man out there who's been saying he loves me and calling me his boyfriend for almost a year that I can't remember ever meeting. But I've kind of been calling him my boyfriend, too, at least with Robin and Rhiannon, and when I don't want girls hitting on me, of course. And what his voice does to me… it's a wet-dream waiting to happen, hearing his voice for more than a few minutes.

I think that's why I haven't spoken to him very much. Too stimulating.

I've masturbated more just in this month thinking of him than in all my years as a teenager. Of course, I wasn't interested in sex as a teenager, and masturbation was a secret, dirty thing to do just to relieve pressure, a thing that I had to hide from my father.

I still remember the first time I masturbated for pleasure. I was twenty. I'd stopped going out on the pull the year before, and I missed the constant release, even if I didn't miss the sex or anonymous hook-ups. I was lying in bed, wondering if I'd ever be normal, if I'd ever find someone I'd like having sex with, when I realized I could hear my flatmate having sex with his boyfriend. There was something about being on the other side of the wall, aware of what was happening but completely separate, that turned me on. It didn't even occur to me that it was two guys.

Now, though, that it was two guys stands out as yet another marker for my attraction to men. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable calling myself gay, but I know the attraction's there. And when I think of Jack… I can't deny it. Not when it comes to him.

That's why I have to meet him, to see what all this is about. To see if he lives up to all my fantasies. Well, that's only one of the reasons, but it's a pretty powerful one. I want to see if he's as good a man as my heart is telling me.

The second time I did it for fun was after I'd met Lisa. I'd never really been attracted to someone before, until her, and I went home and fantasized about what she'd look like naked. Sure, I could stand in a room and point out the attractive people, but I didn't feel that pull everyone talked about, that desire to be near the other person, the ache in my heart. I felt it for Lisa, but that was nothing compared to the pull I feel towards this stranger.

Ironic, that. The ache in my heart is now for a man I can't remember.

I was attracted to her, and I learned to like having sex with her, as long as we took it slow. She didn't seem to mind that it was so slow at first, and I thought things were going really well. I had a girlfriend. I liked having sex with her. We both had good jobs. We lived together. I was normal. Finally. I felt pretty good about myself for a change, and even though it was uncomfortable to feel good, I wanted to hold onto that feeling.

Maybe that's why I fought so hard for our relationship, that it was the first bit of normal I'd ever had? Jack might have some insights, given what my diary implies about Lisa, I think, but I'm not sure I'll be able to ask yet. We'll see.

But then she started asking for things I wasn't comfortable with. She wanted me to come on her face, and I couldn't do it because my dad used to do it to me, and then he'd laugh, and demand I gather it up and swallow it. I hated it, and even the thought of doing it to Lisa made me lose my erection. She stopped asking for that pretty quickly.

Mind you, I never told her that's why I wouldn't do it.

I wonder if Jack and I ever did that? I suppose I'd have to ask, but I might not be ready to ask immediately. I'm probably not ready to hear the answer if it's yes. That would just add to my need for therapy.

So many questions I want to ask him but am afraid of the answers…

Lisa wanted to try anal sex, but she didn't like it, saving me from having to find a way to avoid it. Though, it wasn't as bad doing it to her as thinking about someone else doing it to me… I'm glad she never wanted to try wearing a dildo and fucking me. I'd have had to put my foot down about that.

In my dreams, Jack fucks me a lot. All the time, almost. It's as if I didn't fuck him ever, or nearly ever. Maybe he has a trauma history, too? Maybe he needs to really trust someone to do that, like I do. Did. Do. Whatever. And yet it seems I trusted him to do it.

Did we talk about my father? I know he knows about it, but I don't know how much he knows. Did I actually tell him, or did he find out some other way? I'll have to ask about that, too. If I told him about it before we had sex, as I hope happened, Jack would know to take good care of me, to go slowly and make sure I was all right as we did it. If I didn't tell him, well, I'm not sure. Would I have tensed up and frozen? How would he have reacted?

I must have gotten over my issues about sex with him, that's for sure. My dreams are clear on that.

When it came to bondage, Lisa didn't ask permission or for my safeword. She simply tied me up while I was sleeping and woke me with a blow job I couldn't avoid. It was like with my father, all over again. (Not that he ever blew me, but he made sure I couldn't move, that's for sure.)

With Lisa, I was too freaked out to do anything. I just lay there crying silently and wishing for it to end quickly. She rode me a long time, that day. My dick just wouldn't listen to me and stayed hard until she was done. I don't think I came. I probably couldn't, feeling so traumatized.

I refused to have sex with her for three months after that, and told her I'd call the police if she ever tried anything like that again. I wasn't thinking of it in terms of rape, but she might have been, because she agreed readily enough. Looking back, I have no idea why we stayed together after that.

But we did, for better or worse. Again, it could have been about me wanting to hold on to that illusion of 'normal' that being in a relationship with her offered. I also suppressed that memory. It came out when I was talking with Robin about my father holding me down, and then I had this image of what Lisa did…

Robin tells me that what happened that day is as much a rape as what my father did to me. It took me a long time to believe her. I didn't think there could be rape without forced penetration. Well, Lisa was forcing _me_ to penetrate _her_ when I didn't want to. So I guess it was rape. I'm still coming to terms with it, as you can tell.

I have dreams — memories? — of being tied up in other ways, of Jack stroking my hair gently and slapping my ass hard, of him going down on me when I can't move and me bucking into his mouth and demanding more. Of him hitting me and me liking it. I have dreams of using my safeword and Jack cutting me from the ropes and holding me, rocking me, soothing me, no more sex that night. Waking up to ask him for sex the next morning.

I asked Robin why she didn't think this was a dream about being raped. I was tied up and being hit! She said that with Jack in the dreams, _I'm_ the one in control, and that I can make it stop whenever I want it to. That I trust this dream-Jack to take care of me. That he's not forcing me into anything. He let me out of the ropes when I wanted out, after all, Robin says. Lisa didn't. My father didn't.

Rape is about power and control. I had none with my father. I had none with Lisa that time. With Jack, _I_ was in charge and we both knew it.

It makes me wonder if I'd like being tied up by him in real life. Robin won't give me her opinion on the matter.

I'm not sure what she thinks about Jack being a real person, either. She keeps telling me to be cautious, to be careful. She reminds me that the Jack of my dreams might not be the _real_ Jack, that the real Jack might be a disappointment after eleven months of dreams and fantasies, especially with his reputation. But his reputation is a cover, he says, and I believe him. I don't think he'd step out on me if he says he won't.

Either way, I have to meet him.

He should be here in fifteen minutes, if he's on time. I have a vague sense that he's usually late, but I'm not sure where that came from. According to my diary, I only knew him for a month. A little over three weeks, to be precise. How well can one learn another person in three weeks? Especially when he wears a mask for everyone to see? How could I have gotten far enough under it to see the real man underneath?

Speaking of masks, I'm curious about what this coat of his is like. In my dreams, he's almost always naked, so I have no idea. I hope he wears it today so I can find out.

Rhi is thrilled that I'm going to meet him after all this time. She's worried, though, too, and set up to call me in an hour if I don't tell her everything's OK. I could imagine this set-up as feeling stifling, but it's not. It's practical, since we really don't know him, and it shows how much she cares.

Rhi has been a Jack supporter ever since that first time I told her about him. When I got permission to talk to her about Torchwood, things between us got even better. She was a bit miffed that she had to sign the Official Secrets Act, but she was happy I could tell her about what I really did in London. I asked for permission through UNIT, though I know the request went to Jack's desk, since he's the head of Torchwood. I received the Priority One envelope the next day.

Vanessa and I had a nice talk that afternoon. She's known Jack for seven years, it seems, and considers him a friend. I told her I'd lost my memory of meeting him and she smiled sadly. 'Now I understand what he was saying,' she said. 'I'm sorry, for both of you. I hope it works out.'

Vanessa used to be a man. I wouldn't have been able to tell, because, honestly, she looks perfectly fine. Jack helped pay for some of the elective surgery to feminine her face, give her more delicate cheekbones, a smaller nose, that sort of thing. 'He acts tough and unfeeling', she told me, 'but inside, he cares more deeply than most people can imagine caring for others. I was just an acquaintance at the time, and he handed me the money, telling me that having the opportunity to be my real self was something not to miss out on.'

She also said he turned her down flat when she offered an evening together six months ago when I sent him the letter. I like the sound of that. I might not remember him, but I was jealous when I initially met her and heard they were lovers for a while. Doesn't seem like I have anything to worry about, now.

I dreamed about him again last night. A sex dream, as usual, but this was different. It was clearly making love, not just sex. I woke up hard. It didn't take long to relieve the pressure.

Looking out across the Plass, I see a figure walking in my direction. A blue-gray coat billowing in the wake of his confident strides. A strong jaw with a winning smile that he shows off as soon as he realizes I'm watching him. My God, he's even more beautiful than in my dreams!

It's make it or break it time, Jones.

Time to meet Captain Jack Harkness.


	10. Chapter 10

**Waking to Live - Chapter 10**

**by Gracefultree**

A/N: Good morning, lovelies! Here is the chapter you've all been waiting for: Jack and Ianto meet in person again. This is in Jack's pov. As always, read, enjoy, and if you like it, leave me feedback.

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Ianto is sitting in the window of the cafe he chose for our date, writing in his diary. He's been there for about an hour. I resisted the urge to find a CCTV to read over his shoulder. If we're going to have a relationship, a real relationship, one that's not based on lies, I need to prove that he can trust me, that I won't violate his privacy on a whim. Of course, he might not remember I did that.

Then again, he might.

I have no idea if he was telling the truth on the phone when he said he couldn't remember. I hope he's not lying to me.

He said he's been in therapy. That's a good thing. I made the choice not to monitor his progress after getting his letter and writing my own, so I didn't know that he stuck with it the first six months. Owen knew, he said. He'd been watching from afar, just to make sure Ianto was doing all right. His penance for doing what he did under Suzie's influence. He hasn't read Ianto's therapist's notes, so he doesn't know what Ianto's been talking about, but I can guess.

Losing a month of memories. Lisa. His father. Me.

He's been working at a coffee shop around the corner from his flat. I did look that much up. I avoided the area when I was in London last month. I knew I shouldn't go near him if he didn't want me there, and I knew that it would be a struggle to resist kissing him if I saw him. I can only hope we kiss today.

Maybe a kiss will help him remember? Maybe coming to visit the Hub will help him remember? But he doesn't want to remember. Or, he's not sure if he wants to, that was clear from our last phone call. I guess I don't blame him, even if it wouldn't be my choice.

Then again, there's a big difference between two years and a month. If he'd lost two years, like I had, would he want to remember? Would he do everything he could to remember? I don't know.

He looks up and sees me as I'm crossing the Plass. I strut. I can't help myself, nor can I keep the cocky grin from my face. I have a date with Ianto after not seeing him for an entire year! He wants to see me, even though he doesn't remember me. It's got to be a good sign.

Our eyes meet and he offers me a tentative smile in return. He drops his pen into the diary and closes the cover, using the hand on it to support him as he gets to his feet. I sweep dramatically into the shop, winking at the owner behind the counter. She knows me, and that I've been waiting for a lover to return to me, and while I didn't alert her that my wait was potentially ending today, she can tell. She's already reaching for the tiramisu the cafe is famous for.

He's wearing a dark purple button-down with charcoal trousers and a matching waistcoat. His tie is that lovely burgundy of his sofa and those sheets he'd brought to my flat last year. Goddess, he's gorgeous! His hair is slightly longer than when I knew him, and the small curl at the ends is adorable. I can't wait to run my fingers through it. His smile gets wider the closer I get to him, another good sign.

Ianto takes a single step towards me and then he is in my arms and we are kissing, and kissing, and _kissing_, and he's got a hand on the back of my neck and the other clutching at my coat, I've got a hand in his hair, a hand on his waist, and the kiss goes on and on and we only break apart when Ianto notices the applause. The entire cafe is on its feet, clapping for us. Gloria, the owner, bustles over with the tiramisu and fresh coffee, saying, best reunion kiss in this cafe in years, Captain, this is on me.

He tastes fabulous, and the feel of his hair around my fingers is intoxicating. Goddess, this is going better than I expected.

Ianto's hard against me, and blushing a brilliant shade of red I'd never seen before. I think he's embarrassed.

"Get me out of here," he hisses, not looking at me, tucking his head against my chest, almost burrowing in to hide from the onlookers, even as he continues to hold his arms around me. Definitely embarrassed. Not that I blame him. If I weren't the exhibitionist that I am, I might have been uncomfortable, too. The embarrassment works in his favor, his erection going down, making his request easier to accomplish. I throw the strap of his carryall over my shoulder, scoop up his diary, and lead him out, keeping an arm around his waist, a path opening before us.

In the sunshine, he starts shaking, and I'm getting worried. Has he suddenly remembered everything? Did he not want to kiss me? It happened so quickly, and I have no idea who kissed who, just that we were kissing, so…

"Ianto?" I ask, testing the waters. We're smack in the middle of the Plass now, his arm around my waist, mine around his back, the other hand keeping his diary and carryall safe. He presses his free hand against my chest.

"Kiss me again," he whispers in a low, almost desperate voice, and I don't need to look at his eyes to know they're dilated with hunger and need.

The spark when our lips meet for the second time startles both of us, and before I know it we're drawing looks from the passers-by because we can't stop kissing. He whimpers and leans towards me when I pull my face away.

"I gotta say, darling, for someone who doesn't remember me, you sure know how to kiss me for maximum effect!" I tell him, pecking his lips before adding a few more to his cheeks and temples. He smiles shyly but is still too overwhelmed to say anything else. Both our chests are heaving from the kisses. "What do you say we take this indoors, hmm?"

"God, yes," he exclaims instantly, looking around for the first time since seeing me. The small crowd around us is gone, thankfully. "Which way to your flat?"

I laugh loudly, delighted, and drop another kiss on his lips. It was supposed to be quick, but we linger, getting a feel for each other again after a year apart. He kisses like he remembers me, but I can't be sure. I let go of him and take his hand, leading him away from the Bay. "Just a few minutes walk," I explain. "I have to leave the SUV with the others, anyway, in case something happens."

"They won't —"

"They're under strict orders not to bother me unless the world is ending."

"For how long?"

I shrug, my smile as bright as it's ever been. "Until morning."

"Why do I get the impression that your definition of morning and theirs might differ?" he asks drolly, raising an eyebrow.

"Know me so well already?" I wonder.

"Not yet," he answers, his voice suddenly more serious. "But I want to." We reach my building and I press in the code at the lift for my floor. He looks around. "Didn't expect this building," he finally says. "My diary only said a studio."

"I moved since we parted."

"Do you still live at work?"

"Yes," I admit. "But I wouldn't if we were together. I'd want to live with you, and you don't deserve to live at work. You're too special for that."

"You're assuming I'd work for you," he mutters. "That I'd want to live with you."

"I'm trying not to assume anything, but you've got to admit, that's the kind of kiss that can give a man hope!"

He grunts, but I see a small smile on the corner of his lips. We step into the waiting lift, and as soon as the doors close behind us, he's kissing me again. I break away from his lips to kiss his neck, behind his ear, along his jaw. He sighs, holding me close, body language telling me to continue. The bell on the lift pings for my floor and we get out reluctantly, though also with a shiver of excitement. He gasps, realizing we're on the top floor and that there's only one flat up here. I unlock the door and we walk in.

I bought this flat and furnished it with Ianto in mind. I decorated the living area in cherry and glass and slate. The kitchen is as modern as can be had in this century, with the coffee maker he bought me sitting in pride of place on the counter. Not that I've used it, mind. I tried a few times, and nearly set the kitchen on fire, somehow. I've been existing on Paradisia's coffee the last year. They opened the week after Owen took him back to London, replacing the mediocre place we tended to avoid unless absolutely necessary.

Ianto shoves me against the wall inside the doorway and kisses me hard. His bag and diary drop from my hands as I move to hold him. He moans, pressing himself full-length against me. We're both rock hard. When his hands slip inside my trousers and start caressing me with every bit of skill they learned last year, I can't hold back my groan. He might not remember me, but his hands remember, his lips remember. I grab his arse with both hands and squeeze. He makes a growling sound low in his throat and starts tearing at the buttons of my waistcoat.

God, I missed this! The scent of him, the feel of him, the little sounds he makes. But it's been a year, a full year, almost, and I have no idea if he's actually OK with this. Much as I hate myself for slowing us down, I have to do it. Ianto has a trauma history, and unlike the other first time he was in my flat, this time we both know it. I can't just let this go without talking about it, at least to find out if he's really OK with us having sex so quickly.

"Ianto," I gasp between kisses. "Slow down a sec."

He freezes. I open my eyes and meet his, which are wide with surprise and a little bit of horror.


	11. Chapter 11

**Waking to Live - Chapter 11**

**by Gracefultree**

A/N: More reunion... a much longer chapter, for all you Janto fans out there. There's at least one more 'reunion' chapter to go. Watch out for it next week.

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"Oh, God! I'm sorry!" Ianto exclaims. "I'm really sorry! I don't know what came over me! You're just so — and on the phone you said you wanted — and I've waited so long and — Shit, I _would_ go too fast, wouldn't I? I'm sorry! I didn't mean — "

He extricates his hands from inside my trousers, where they'd ended up a second time, and tries to back away, but I keep a firm grip on his hips, keeping him pressed against me.

"It's OK," I tell him. "No need to apologize. I just wanted to be sure you were OK with how quickly this is going."

"Oh, um, you don't want to stop?" he asks, his voice telling me that's the last thing he wants, also.

"Of course not! But I'm also aware you have a history this time, and if we're having sex, I want to be sure you're ready." I kiss him a few times to reassure him of my intentions. I let my hands wander a bit, find a way under his shirt to stroke his back. He sighs into the next kiss, leans against me, relaxing. His eyes close.

"I don't want you to stop," he says, lowering his fly and putting one of my hands on his cock. He hasn't opened his eyes yet, so he can't see my expression. Instead, he finds my cock, strokes it some more. "Feels like you want this, too."

"I want to be with you, but I don't want to overwhelm you, and I don't know how fast or slow you need this to be." I give his cock a nice squeeze, making him gasp. He twitches in my hand. Good.

"I guess," he starts, then pauses. He looks around. "Maybe not in the foyer, yeah? Maybe on a bed? Do it properly?"

I give him one of my biggest grins. "Whatever you want, wherever you want."

We put ourselves back together, though I don't bother re-buttoning my waistcoat, and he picks up his diary and carryall from the floor. He wants the tour, probably to assuage some of the nervousness that I just reminded him he was 'supposed to' feel, so I show him the living and dining areas, the kitchen, the guest rooms, the master bedroom and en suite, where he casually drops his bag and book, and finally the library full of first editions I've saved over the years, since he didn't seem inclined to stop at the bedroom. He's kept a hold of me the whole time, so I'm still wearing my coat. Not that I mind. I _do_ like to look dashing, and I know how much he likes seeing me in it.

He runs his fingers over the spines of the books and looks over at me, a question in his eyes.

"I don't travel in time anymore," I say. "I used to travel with the Doctor, but that was lifetimes ago."

"Would you go with him again?" I hear the catch in his voice. I'm not sure what it means, but I know I have to reassure him, so I speak to the Ianto I know, the one who's underneath all the retcon and time apart.

"Someday," I answer honestly. As I said, I want to be honest with him, and as uncomfortable as it is for me, I'm going to do it. "I have questions that only he can answer, but I promise you, Ianto Jones, if I'm in a relationship with you, I will either take you with me when I go, or wait for him to come back again after you're gone, if he doesn't stay to talk with me for some reason."

"So it's true, then, the rumors? You can't die?"

"Is that what they said in London?" He nods. "It's more complicated than that. I can die, but I don't stay dead. I come back."

"It must hurt, dying."

"It does," I say, looking away. Not one of my favorite topics, but it's good we're getting it out of the way first. I don't want him to find out the usual way, watching me die in front of him and come back. I did that to him once already by accident, and I don't want to do it again. "I'm going to live a very long time, Ianto. I'm going to have a lot of lovers. I'm going to lose every single one of them because I'll outlive them. That's who I am, who I've become. I don't understand it, I didn't ask for it, I don't like it most of the time, and I'm not sure even the Doctor can fix me."

"What are you saying?"

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I love you. It breaks my heart that you don't remember me, but in some ways, I'm relieved, because you don't remember the bad things that happened. I hope that you come to care for me, but I also want you to know what you're getting into with me. I'm a complicated man. I have a lot of secrets, a dark and heavy past, a dangerous job that never ends, that calls me out of bed in the middle of the night and doesn't let me get back for days at a time, sometimes. I don't know if I can be monogamous. I've tried before, with other lovers, and it hasn't worked, but I'm willing to try again, if that's what you need to be in a relationship with me."

"Is it about sex?" Ianto asks softly, hesitantly. His hand on the book trembles slightly. "The monogamy thing? That you get bored?"

"No! No, it's about being raised in a different time. I'm from the future, where sex isn't as, um, proscribed as it is now." It's hard for me to find a word for sexuality in this century that isn't derogatory or dismissive. Proscribed seems like an all right choice, though I might come up with something different if given more time to consider it.

"It's about having the option open," Ianto says in a small voice. "Being able to take things as far as they go without guilt, but not necessarily expecting them to go anywhere." He blinks, surprised at himself. "I don't know where that came from."

"I said something very similar to you before we had sex for the first time," I tell him. "At the time, we agreed that you'd be faithful to me, since that's what was most conformable for you, and that I'd have the option open, but probably wouldn't do anything about it and would definitely talk to you first."

"Um, I guess that works," he says, his eyes focused on the spine of an Oscar Wilde collection.

"Does it really? I don't want you to compromise yourself for me."

He turns back, and there's a look of determination in his eyes. "And I don't want you to compromise yourself for me," he declares firmly.

"I don't want anyone but you, Ianto," I say seriously. "I haven't since I met you, and I can't imagine actually being with anyone else right now."

His lips twitch up into a smile again. "Good."

I step closer and put my hands on his hips. He kisses me gently.

"I have a lot of doubts, a lot of questions," he whispers.

"I have some answers."

Ianto's hand falls away from the books to touch my face. "Can we get a drink, or something?"

"Coffee, scotch or water?" I offer. "I don't have anything else in, and you'd have to make the coffee. I'm much better at drinking it than making it."

"Scotch," he answers with a chuckle, and follows me to the living room where he takes a seat on the sofa. I pour a drink for each of us and hand him his. I settle on the opposite end of the couch, not wanting to crowd him. He scoots closer, motioning for me to meet him halfway, so I do. I put an arm around his shoulders and he snuggles into my chest. I like that. It feels good to hold him like this again. We sip our drinks.

"I've been having dreams about you," he says after a long moment of comfortable silence. "Sexual dreams. My therapist thinks they might be memories trying to come to the surface, though there are so many of them, I can't imagine we did all those things."

I raise both my eyebrows, smirking. "We did a lot in a short time. You wanted to know everything, to try everything."

"How many times did we have sex in the SUV?" he blurts. Then he blushes, covering his mouth in embarrassment. "I wasn't actually going to ask that."

I can't help laughing. When he joins in, I know we're still on good terms and he doesn't think I'm laughing at him. "Twice," I answer.

"Only twice? I've had at least a dozen dreams about it! Different sex each time."

"Only twice," I confirm. I wait while he digests this bit of information. He starts picking at some lint on my trousers. He's getting nervous. I wonder if he's going to ask what I know about his father or about what he did that he thought was a betrayal. I wish we didn't have to have either conversation yet, but his needs come first, here. I give his shoulder a squeeze.

"Did I tell you about my father?" Ianto asks. Yep, here it is. Question one of two. And they're linked, of course, so now I have no doubts we'll touch on both before we end up in bed. Damn it! And the afternoon started out so promisingly. Of course, we still might end up in bed… and he seems very eager, so there's hope…

"Not for a while, and you didn't give me any details. We'd had a lot of sex by then, and I had no idea until you shouted it out in the middle of an argument."

"In an argument, really?"

"Yes. We were under the influence of an alien emotion enhancer, and it was making me extra angry. It probably affected you, too."

"What did I say?"

I close my eyes for a moment, remembering that horrible day. "Do you want me to quote you, or just the summary?" I ask after a few more deep breaths. Talking about this is starting to affect me, too, and I wonder how long I can stay in the moment with him before I have to do something to break the sudden emotional tension.

"You can quote me?" he asks, startled.

"Ianto, I've replayed every moment of our relationship over and over again in my head for the last year. And every moment we had together in the Hub that was caught on CCTV. I can quote you." I open my eyes and meet his. He looks scared, nervous, and… interested.

"Maybe — maybe we should get it all out in the open before we go any farther," he suggests, taking my hand and shifting so we're facing each other directly. "Quote me."

"Before I do, I need to tell you what you did."

"Why? I'm not sure — I'm not sure it's relevant."

"It's part of the argument. You wouldn't necessarily understand if I don't tell you," I explain.

"Oh." He looks away.

"Ianto?"

"I want this to be easier," he says softly, haltingly. "I want to just go to bed with you and have at it."

"I want that, too, but —"

"I need to know, don't I? You need to tell me."

"I think so." I take a deep breath and start. I'd rehearsed what I was going to tell him. It didn't come out quite the way I'd planned, but it was coming out and he wasn't running from me, so that was a good sign.

"Lisa survived the Battle. She was only half-converted, and you were desperate to save her. You set out to seduce me to get a job and use Torchwood's resources to help her get better." Ianto gasps, but I hold up my hand and continue before he can say anything. "After we made up, after everything came out about Owen and Suzie sending you those pictures, you left my bed in the middle of the night to get her. You hid her in the base, but you were so conflicted by the deception that as soon as you mailed your diary to yourself, you came to me and told me about it. You said you loved me."

I spare another glance at his face. He's looking at me with a mixture of anxiety and incredulity.

"I — What? I did what?"

"I said I would help you. I said I would help Lisa," I tell him, squeezing his hands. "It was a betrayal in your eyes, since you set out to lie to me from the start, but I knew something was coming since the moment we met, and that you told me about it so quickly after you did it, and that you did it out of love for her, well, that tempered my response. I was angry, and hurt, but I understood. I wouldn't have retconned or killed you over it, once you explained."

"So what happened? How did I end up in London with no memories?"

"Suzie betrayed me. She killed Lisa and blackmailed Owen into taking you to London. He didn't want to do any of it, but she had measures in place to assure herself of his cooperation."

"So Lisa died? Suzie killed her?"

"Yes."

"Was she herself? Or had the Cyberman technology changed her? I can't imagine her being alive, after being half-converted. She, her soul, would have died in London, even if her body lived on. Right? That's what I've been learning this year, anyway. Robin's clearance got us that information."

"The Cyberman hid its programming from you, then from us, for a time, under the mask of Lisa and her memories. She died in London. It was only her body Suzie killed."

"Could she have been saved? Was there anything I could have done?"

I shake my head slowly. "No. There's no cure. Not by my time, at any rate. And from what I read on the Doctor's TARDIS, not in another hundred thousand years, either."

"Was she in a lot of pain?"

I frown, remembering the expression on the dead Cyberman's face. "Yes."

"Oh, God. We weren't doing well, but I — I really caused her pain? On purpose?"

"You were desperate to keep her alive," I explain. "And you'd just been through the Battle, so you were traumatized by that but hadn't had time to work through the experiences. You weren't yourself, you told me. I don't think you knew how much pain she was actually in. You gave her a lot of drugs to keep it at bay."

"She — she wasn't really the right person for me," he says, his eyes lowered. "For the last year of our relationship, things weren't very good between us."

"You'd started to say something like that to me, before everything went down," I offer, wondering if he'll elaborate.

"I told Rhiannon, my sister, you know, that we were flatmates that shared a bed and shagged once a month."

"I'm sorry," I say, reaching over to stroke his cheek. "I'm sorry it caused you pain." He snorts air through his nose. "What?"

"You've been better to me in half an hour than she was in the last few months of her life," he mutters. He reaches up to hold my hand against his cheek. "You kiss better than her." He looks up again. "Why are you so nice to me?"

"This is what caring is all about," I say. "This is what love is about. I love you. I want you to be happy. I hope that's with me." I pause, debating what to say next. "I'd like to show you what we had, what we can still have. I want to make love to you."

Ianto takes a deep breath, and I can sense him slotting things together in his head. When he speaks again, he surprises me.

"I — bottomed? Is that the right word?"

"You did, willingly and enthusiastically. You enjoyed it. At least, you seemed to be enjoying it. That first night… For someone who'd never been with a man, you were outstanding! Oh, well, that's what I assumed, anyway. That's what you told me. And I guess what your father did doesn't count…" I trailed off in embarrassment for bringing up his father again.

"So you know what he did, but not the details?" he asks.

"Do you want me to tell you what I know?" He shrugs, then nods. "I know he raped you, almost daily for four years. You were nine when it started, on the morning of your mother's funeral. He stopped when you stood up to him when you were thirteen after your week in lock-up. You ended up in the hospital for a bit around that time, but the records I found didn't tell me why you were there. You had a broken leg as a child that seemed suspicious, though no action was ever taken. That's all I know. I don't know what he did, or what might be triggering for you, or what you might not like because of it."

He nods again and sighs.

"The only thing you said before we really got into it was that you didn't do Daddy scenes," I continue. "A lot of men don't like them, so I didn't think anything of it. You were willing to do other scenes."

"Demanding Boss and Innocent Intern?" he asks with a smirk.

"Among other things."

"Did you —" he breaks off, looks away, then looks back. "Did you ever tie me up?"

"Three times. The first two went really well. You used your safeword the last time, and we stopped. We never had time to try again after that, but you seemed fine soon afterwards. I just held you for a long time, and that helped you calm down."

"Oh."

"We don't have to do anything you don't want," I rush to tell him. "Just because we did it before doesn't mean we have to do it now."

"I enjoyed kissing you earlier," he says as if it's a revelation, locking his eyes with mine. "I really enjoyed it." We stare at each other for a long time, until he licks his lips, breaking my concentration. I can't help the moan that escapes my throat.

Then we're kissing again, and there's no hesitation in his kiss. There's no hesitation in the way he shifts so that he's sitting on my lap, so he can kiss me from above while he grinds himself against my sudden erection. There's no hesitation as he starts unbuttoning his waistcoat, loosening his tie.

"Ianto —"

"Do you want to fuck me, Jack?"

"I want to make love to you first. Then I'll fuck you. But tell me to stop if you — "

"Enough talk. Take me to bed, Captain," he growls, and I'm lost. I surge to my feet as he locks his arms and legs around me so I can carry him to the bedroom, where we begin the dance I've waited all year to dance again.


	12. Chapter 12

**Waking to Live - Chapter 12**

**by Gracefultree**

A/N: We're getting to the home stretch right about now, so there's only a few more chapters left after this. Enjoy!

oh, and I've updated the rating to 'M' for sexual situations. ;-)

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Jack carried Ianto into the bedroom and deposited him on the bed, laying him back so Jack could kiss him while crawling on top of him. Ianto laughed and kissed him back, his fingers already working on the buttons of Jack's shirt and the buckle of his belt. Jack toed off his boots, reaching down to pull Ianto's shoes and socks off. Ianto moaned, arching under Jack when he kissed along his neck. Their erections rubbed together through layers of fabric, exciting them further.

"Take off your clothes. I want to see you naked," Ianto ordered. Jack stood, his clothing flying to land in heaps around the room as he rushed to do as Ianto asked. He took the time to put his mobile on the bedside table, next to the vortex manipulator he unstrapped from his wrist, though he didn't care about anything else. "You're beautiful," Ianto breathed. He shifted, motioning for Jack to take his place on the bed.

"Take the time to explore," Jack encouraged.

Seeing Jack naked for the first time, sprawled out on display just for him, erect and ready and slightly breathless, almost undid Ianto on the spot. He bit his lip as he drank his fill of looking, wondering if he'd ever get enough. Still fully-dressed, he knelt between Jack's legs. Ianto settled a hand down on Jack's golden-skinned chest, running his fingers over Jack's nipple, his pectorals, his ribs. His other hand joined the exploration. Jack's breathing hitched when Ianto's hands moved south.

"Like what you see?" Jack asked, his voice low and needy, while at the same time playful.

"Oh, yes," Ianto replied, bending to kiss Jack's chest. The slow, gentle exploration of Jack's body continued. Ianto avoided his groin for the most part, though he _did _give Jack's cock a few playful tugs to get his attention when Jack's eyes glazed over from the sensuousness of the experience.

Jack was hard, thrusting minutely into the air with copious amounts of precum leaking from the tip of his erection by the time Ianto removed his waistcoat and tie. Ianto continued his exploration, moving in close so he could taste Jack. He _loved_ the taste, something that didn't surprise either of them after his confession about the dreams. He slurped greedily, his mouth and tongue knowing what to do to give Jack pleasure. He pulled off after a few minutes when he felt Jack's thighs begin to shake from trying to hold himself from thrusting into Ianto's mouth to just look at Jack's disheveled state again without bringing him to release.

"How can this feel so right?" Ianto asked softly, his eyes watching Jack's chest rise and fall with his breaths.

"It just is, though," Jack replied. "I want to touch you," he said, holding up his hands to reach for Ianto's shirt.

"Not yet," Ianto said, catching Jack's hands and twining their fingers.

"No?"

"Not yet," Ianto repeated, leaning over to kiss Jack. "I need to get used to this being real," he explained. Jack nodded his agreement and kissed him back, releasing Ianto's hands to hold him close. Ianto shivered and ran his hands over Jack's chest again, up his neck, tangled it in his hair. Jack thrust his hips against Ianto's erection, smiling at Ianto's moan.

"Ianto? Can I — um, if you don't mind — Will you at least take off your shirt?" Jack asked, finally feeling the strain of being the only one naked after what felt like an hour of slow — _pleasurable_ — torture. "I'll try not to touch, if you don't want that yet."

"Maybe you're right," Ianto mused. "Maybe you _should_ be touching me more." He sat up, still straddling Jack's hips, and reached for his cuffs to undo them, his eyes locked on Jack's. Jack breathed in Ianto's scent on the air, sighing in anticipation at the level of arousal he could taste.

Ianto unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt.

Ianto's mobile rang, startling them both and breaking up the moment. Ianto cursed to himself in Welsh and pulled it from his pocket.

"It's my sister," he said apologetically, holding up the still-ringing phone. "She — um —"

"She's calling to make sure I'm not a serial killer," Jack offered, laughing. "I know the drill. Let me." Before Ianto could protest, Jack slipped the phone from his hand, flipped it open, and spoke. "Captain Jack Harkness here. Ianto can't come to the phone right now because he's taking off his clothes for me, but if you leave a message, he'll be sure to get back to you when I let him up for air sometime next week." He winked at Ianto.

Ianto's indignant squawk of Jack's name didn't deter him in the slightest, and Jack grinned up at him, unrepentant. They could both hear Rhiannon's laughter on the other end of the line. Ianto snatched the phone back.

"Rhi, hi, um, don't listen to him, he's being — ooooh!" Ianto moaned uncontrollably when Jack sat up and started sucking on Ianto's neck while simultaneously running his hands over Ianto's back under his shirt.

"_Things seem to be going well over there, then?" _Rhiannon asked, still chortling. "_I thought as much when you didn't call. I'll leave you to it. Call when you can." _

Ianto dropped the phone, losing it immediately in the bedding and not caring. She'd hang up if she wanted to, he was sure. Meanwhile, Jack had gotten Ianto's shirt all the way off and was running his fingers through Ianto's chest hair.

"You're so gorgeous," Jack murmured, rubbing his cheek against Ianto's chest. "So lovely." He tweaked one of Ianto's nipples as he started licking the other. Ianto sucked in a sharp breath. "So sensitive."

Before he quite knew what was happening, Ianto found himself naked on his back, Jack supporting himself on knees and elbows while they kissed greedily. Each kiss sent new sparks through his veins, igniting his blood, sending him higher, closer to release. He heard the pop of a lube bottle being opened, then felt the slight coolness of the liquid being pressed against his opening. Jack met his eyes.

"Still with me? Still OK?"

Ianto nodded crazily in response, nipping at Jack's jaw. Grinning in anticipation, Jack slipped a finger inside him. Ianto tensed for a moment, but it was brief, and he relaxed almost immediately as Jack added more lube. Very slowly, Jack stretched him, adding a second, then a third finger. Ianto jerked, clenching down on Jack's fingers and gasping as Jack prodded his prostate.

"Holy fuck!" he exclaimed.

"Easy, easy, you're doing great," Jack murmured into his skin, kissing along his neck. "You still like that, huh?"

"Fuck, yeah!"

Jack chuckled. Ianto's responsiveness was even more than he hoped it would be. Good.

"I didn't ask before, but do you want me to wear a condom?"

"I want to feel _everything,_" Ianto said, repeating what he'd said earlier. "I'm clean and you can't catch anything, so we're good. I'm ready."

"You think?" Jack teased, stroking Ianto's prostate again, getting another sharply-indrawn breath, another curse.

"How did we do it, the first time?" Ianto gasped around jolts of pleasure and kisses.

Jack stilled suddenly.

Ianto opened his eyes to see a haunted look on Jack's face. Jack slipped his fingers out of Ianto, and though he felt the loss keenly, Ianto was cognizant enough to know that this was an important moment for them, emotionally. "Jack?"

Jack swallowed thickly, looking away to avoid Ianto's eyes. "You were on your hands and knees," he said finally, his voice rough. "You said you wanted the 'classic' experience. I was behind you."

"You didn't want it that way," Ianto commented, knowing it was true without knowing how he knew. Jack gave the briefest of nods. Ianto watched the play of emotions on Jack's face, becoming more concerned with each moment. "That's not what I want this time," he informed him. "I want to see your eyes. I want to kiss you as you come inside me."

Two large tears rolled down Jack's cheeks, splattering onto Ianto's chest. He reached up and moved Jack's face so their eyes met again.

"Good," Jack breathed, and the dam burst. He collapsed onto Ianto, burying his face in the crook of Ianto's neck and clinging to him tightly. Ianto held him just as tightly, stroking Jack's hair as he cried, murmuring soothingly in Welsh and English.

"It's OK, darling, it's OK," he said. "This is a new start, yeah? There's no lies between us anymore, no betrayals looming, no secrets. I mean, I know you'll have them, that's just who you are, but that's OK. I don't need to know everything about you, right? Just what you want to share."

Ianto paused, listening, and he realized Jack was talking, too.

"I would've done it like that," he said softly, struggling through his tears. "I would've, I really would've, if that's what you wanted…"

"I know," Ianto replied, carding his fingers through Jack's hair. "I know, but that's not what I want, yeah? Not for our first time."

"I'm sorry —"

"Hey, nothing to be sorry about."

"But —"

"Listen, Jack, I love you, OK? I wouldn't have spent a year in therapy getting ready for today if I didn't. And I want to make a go of it with you. I want to move in here with you, if that's what you really want, too. But I'll be honest. I'm scared. I'm scared you're going to get hurt, doing the job you do. I'm scared you're going to have to make choices no one should ever have to make, and that it'll wear you down, take away who you are with the burdens of the work and death and everything else. I'm scared of opening myself up to you, of risking my heart with you. I'm scared of how much you love me."

Jack blinked a few times, not saying anything, but clearly listening intently. He wiped at the tears drying on his face.

"I'm scared how much I love you," Ianto finished. "But I'm willing to take that risk. I'm willing to come here, and be your support outside of Torchwood, and be your lover, and friend, and confidant, and whatever else you need me to be. But you've got to understand that it won't be easy. I'm going to react to some things we do in bed that I might not have before. I still have nightmares about the Battle, and my father, and even Lisa. I might remember what happened that month and need a break from us. I don't know."

"The future's uncertain," Jack said hoarsely. "The big picture's laid out, but the details can change."

"I want you to be happy, Jack. It's not just about me and my needs because I have a trauma history. If I want to have sex the same way as we did the first time for the first time again, and you don't want to, you need to tell me. You've said that you need me to be honest, to tell you when I'm at my limits, right? You need to do the same thing. If we're doing this, we're going to be as equal as we can make it, yeah?"

"Yeah," Jack agreed, through a tremulous smile. He looked like he was going to start crying all over again.

"Neither of us is going to do something in bed we don't want to do, got it?"

"Yeah, I got it."

"Now, tell me, what do you want?"

Jack closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He let it out, and when he opened his eyes, they were clear and full of love. "I want to hold you and kiss you and make love to you slowly, face to face like this. I want to fall asleep next to you and wake up to do it all over again. I want to fuck you in every room of this flat, on every surface, against every wall, on every floor, and then I want you to fuck me in all those same places. I want to take you to work where we can fuck each other senseless and jerk off to the CCTV later." He leaned over and started kissing Ianto again, tenderly and passionately. "And I'm calling it fucking, but it'll be lovemaking every single time, and I want you to know it, even if I don't say it very often."

"I know, Jack, I know. I can tell by how you look at me."

"I want to take you out, and show you off, and tell the whole world that you're mine. I want to spend your life with you. I want to take care of you, and protect you, and you'll never have to work again unless you want to, and you'll never want for anything ever again because I'm a very rich man, and I promise you, _Ipromise you,_ you will be the most loved person on the entire planet, Ianto Jones. The most loved person in the whole universe!"

With a guttural cry of need, Ianto wrapped himself around Jack and kissed him desperately. "Take me," he gasped. "Take me now!"

Jack opened the bottle of lube again and quickly greased his fingers, testing Ianto's readiness to make sure he hadn't tightened up too much during their talk. Ianto immediately responded, moaning, canting his hips up. Jack chuckled and snatched a pillow to shove under Ianto's hips. He settled himself on his knees between Ianto's thighs and slathered lube on his erection. He nudged the head at Ianto's entrance.

Any thoughts of going slow flew from both their minds as Jack buried himself all the way inside Ianto. Ianto grabbed his ass, pulling him closer, _more, more,_ a chant on his lips. Jack shuddered at the sensation of Ianto's warmth around him, squeezing him, pulling him in.

Jack leaned forward and captured Ianto's lips in a bruising kiss as he pulled almost all the way out and thrust deep inside quickly. He hit Ianto's prostate, and Ianto saw stars, crying out, no longer able to even form words.

"That's it, darling," Jack said, over and over again as he thrust. "That's it." He reached between them to stroke Ianto's cock in counterpoint to his thrusts. "God, you're so tight!"

"So good," Ianto gasped. "So good. God!"

Ianto let go of Jack's ass and reached up to grab his back, lifting his lower half off the bed so Jack could fuck him in _just the right spot,_ His vision went white and he screamed his release as he dug his nails into Jack's back. The little spark of pain combined with the frantic squeezing around Jack's cock sent him over the edge as well. He emptied himself into Ianto with a long groan of pleasure.

Ianto opened his eyes to meet Jack's, and the love and wonder and _relief_ he saw reflected there brought tears to his eyes. "Oh, Jack," he said, reaching up to touch his cheek. "That was beyond anything I could have expected." Jack grinned, even as he panted for breath. His arms wobbled as he held himself up to keep from putting all his weight on Ianto.

"What can I say —" Jack's arms gave out and he collapsed onto Ianto without warning, knocking the breath out of both of them. "Sorry!"

Ianto laughed, rolling them over, Jack joining in, thinking of the night in the warehouse when they captured Myfanwy. Their laughter died down, leaving Ianto staring into Jack's eyes again. He blinked a few times, then shook his head. Jack felt Ianto's cock stir.

"We were like this before, once," Ianto said in a shaky voice. "Before we kissed for the first time." He licked his lips. "That wasn't in my diary, not this specifically." He paused. "You were sedating Myfanwy. She was flying around, with you hanging on to her leg. You fell."

"You caught me," Jack said, moving his hand to run his fingers through Ianto's hair, down his cheek.

"But she was falling, so I rolled us, and when we stopped, I was on top of you like this."

"I wanted you to kiss me so badly," Jack said in a softer, slightly vulnerable voice. "I wouldn't have kissed you unless you did it first."

"And I did," Ianto agreed, his voice full of wonder. "I'd never wanted to kiss a man before, I'd never been hard for a man before, but there I was — wanting to kiss you and harder than I'd ever been for Lisa. I couldn't stop myself from kissing you."

"I'm glad you didn't," Jack replied. "That's one of my favorite memories."

"I felt — _feel_ — like a different person when I'm with you. More confident, more strong, less broken…" He trailed off, his eyes glazing a bit as his attention shifted inwards.

"You're not broken," Jack protested.

"No, I am. I'm getting better, but I'm not right yet, either. I need time." Ianto looked down at Jack, his expression firm. "But I think I need you, too. You give me something I need. I'm not sure what it is."

"Love? Affection? Protection?" Jack suggested. "A sense of security?"

"All of that and more, I think," Ianto mused. He shifted so that he was lying on his back next to Jack, though he hooked a leg over the nearer of Jack's thighs and placed his hand on Jack's belly to maintain a physical connection.

"Do you remember anything else?" Jack asked after a few moments of silence.

"No," Ianto answered sleepily, a yawn escaping.

Jack nodded to himself and sat up. "Be right back," he muttered, disappearing to the en suite. Ianto closed his eyes and waited, not surprised to hear running water. The feel of the warm flannel against his skin was comforting as Jack cleaned him up.

Soon enough, Jack was back in bed. Ianto's eyes jerked open when he felt Jack take his cock in his mouth. He closed his eyes again and relaxed, trusting Jack to know what to do. Unlike the first, wild fuck, this became a slow, sensuous blow job that had Ianto mewling in pleasure as Jack licked and sucked. When he came, a quiet, gentle release, Jack swallowed all of it.

Half-asleep, Ianto still managed to get Jack on his back again, and he nuzzled the curls at the base of Jack's cock. He felt Jack's hand on his head.

"You don't have to, if you need to sleep," Jack offered.

"Want to," Ianto replied, lapping at the head. It wasn't enough. He pushed Jack's legs out of the way and moved lower, trailing saliva over Jack's pirenium, finding his hole. He heard Jack's gasp when he first flicked his tongue over the puckered opening and smiled to himself. He dug in. "Mmm, tasty," he murmured. He took his time as he explored, sleep banished to the back of his consciousness for the time being.

"Ianto, that's —" Jack broke off to groan. "Yeah, like that. Just like that."

Ianto refocused his attention on Jack's cock, letting his instincts guide him. Soon Jack was coming, his taste bursting over Ianto's tongue and down his throat. He swallowed, milking the last few drops before crawling up Jack's body to collapse half on top of him. The tiredness of before hit him quickly, making his eyes droop. He yawned again. Jack chuckled and kissed his forehead.

"Sleep, now," Jack said, reaching down to the floor to snag his coat. He draped it over both of them and cuddled up to Ianto. "I'll be here when you wake."

"I know," Ianto whispered against Jack's chest.


	13. Chapter 13

**Waking to Live**

**Chapter 13**

**by gracefultree**

A/N: For the first time in a long while, I wanted a beta, just because I re-wrote several parts of this chapter half a dozen times. In the end, I decided it was better to give you a cliffhanger that works with the story than to give you a second half-chapter that I didn't like. There's just so much that I want to say in this story...

In other news, my computer is at the store, so I won't be updating for a while until it's fixed. I'm also writing a brand-new story for National Novel Writing Month, November, so I'll be busy trying to write 50k words in 30 days. My tentative title is: 'Jack's Other Profession.' No relation to anything I've ever written, and it involves teenage!Ianto.

So, to summarize: I'm going off the grid for a while to concentrate on writing and fixing my computer. I'm not abandoning this story, nor any of the others. They'll all be finished, even 'Torchwood Files,' which is languishing in limbo at the moment. I haven't forgotten them. Please be patient with me.

And now, we have the actual chapter. Warnings for sex and emotional pain.

Thanks for reading!

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Ianto woke feeling warm and relaxed. He felt Jack beside him, a pillar of strength with an arm around his middle and his chest pressed against Ianto's back. He felt safe. He felt cared for. And after their conversations earlier... well, he _knew_ Jack wanted to build a life together, despite the pain of losing Ianto eventually. The thought made him feel even better about Jack, about his decision to come to Cardiff, about his future. They _loved each other_, and that meant the world to him.

Ianto sighed in pleasure, feeling the slight soreness from their earlier lovemaking when he stretched. Jack moved with him, running his hands down his chest and rolling him over to draw him into a tender kiss.

"Hey," Ianto whispered, pulling away so he could see Jack more clearly.

"Hey," Jack replied. "How're you doing?"

Ianto paused to consider as he stroked Jack's upper arm. "Good," he finally decided. "I don't feel as sore as I expected, especially seeing… that." He gestured vaguely to indicate Jack's, in Ianto's opinion, extra-large penis. Jack chuckled and kissed him again.

"I made sure you were relaxed and open enough to take me." He nibbled on Ianto's ear. "And for the record, I have a measuring tape around here somewhere if you're curious."

"Not that curious. Not yet, anyway."

"Pity. They say I'm well-endowed."

"They?"

"I was a poster child, for a while. I was the first person to be selected to join the Time Agency from the Boeshane Peninsula. They called me the Face of Boe. There were 51st century versions of Internet blogs about me," Jack explained.

"That mentioned the size of your dick?" Ianto asked incredulously.

"Speculation only. Except that one site. Man, she was a looker! The reporter, I mean. She wanted to see if I was bigger than her boyfriend's -"

"Stop!"

"- nose. Their species have really long noses."

"And you showed her?"

"Them," Jack corrected. "He needed to be there to measure against."

"Jack?"

"Ianto?"

"I don't want the anecdotes about former lovers," Ianto said seriously.

"Oh. Sorry. Are you angry?"

Ianto stretched again, ignoring Jack's question. "We have to do that again," he declared, kissing Jack's chin, his roaming hands telling Jack exactly what he wanted by moving Jack's hands into position.

"Oh, we will," Jack agreed, laughing in earnest, letting the conversation drop in favor of physical pursuits. "Have no doubts about that."

"Can I ask you something?" Ianto asked twenty minutes later as he watched Jack clean his cum off Jack's fingers while he caught his breath. He waited for Jack's nod to continue. "What do I call you? I mean, you've been using boyfriend, but now that we've —" He broke off and blushed. Jack stroked his cheek, letting him have time to collect himself. "Now that we've been intimate... I just feel so much closer to you. I don't think boyfriend is enough anymore. I mean, when I talk to other people. How can I tell them I'm yours?"

"You're mine and I'm yours," Jack said simply. "We don't really need a word for it. Labels aren't really my thing. But I suppose you could call us lovers."

"Lovers," Ianto mused. "My lover, Jack." He tested the word. "No, we are that, but it's not right. Not what I was looking for. And I need a label, by the way. It helps me feel more secure about this whole thing."

"This whole thing that for you is just starting?" Jack asked, his eyes sliding shut at the feeling of Ianto's lips on his neck.

"It started the first night after I read my diary and had a dream about you."

"Was it a good dream?"

Ianto smiled sweetly, remembering. "Oh, yeah. Want a demonstration?" He reached for the discarded bottle of lube and prepared himself quickly, finding it easy if he didn't stop to think about what he was doing. Besides, he was still a little loose from earlier.

Jack's eyes flew open when Ianto settled himself down on his erection, a look of pure bliss on his face, his mouth open in a silent moan. He took hold of Ianto's hips, guiding him.

"It seems like a good dream to me," Jack offered quietly.

"It felt like we were like this for hours," Ianto explained, shifting slightly. "Neither of us touched my cock, but when I came…"

"I ended up with cum all over my chest," Jack finished for him, thrusting up, making Ianto gasp as he hit his prostate. "Then you licked it off. Made me come again, actually. You didn't think you could project like that."

"I'm still not sure I can."

"Want to find out?"

"Yes!"

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Ianto's mobile started making noise at six. He fished it out of the bedding, glad it hadn't managed to get broken during their rather vigorous activities.

They'd discovered that Ianto could, when pressed in just the right way, project to Jack's chest, even though it was the fourth orgasm of the afternoon and by all rights, he shouldn't have had that much to work with. This time Jack sucked the cum from Ianto's tongue, instead of just letting Ianto have it, claiming it tasted better that way. Ianto smiled indulgently and let him at it, wondering where he, himself, picked up a taste for the stuff. Probably from Jack, he decided.

Ianto yawned and turned off the alarm. "OK, time to get up," he informed Jack with a kiss.

"What? Why?" came the confused response.

"I'm going to make us coffee, then we're going to have a shower, and then we have reservations for dinner at eight."

"We do?"

"Yes. You didn't think we'd exist only on sex, did you? I'm not here just for coffee and a shag." He smiled to take any sting out of his words. "If we're dating, really dating, we have to go on dates, right? I wanted a nice place for our first date. So I did some research, picked out the place from London. Used your name to get the table on such short notice, but I didn't think you'd mind."

"So efficient, my Ianto," Jack murmured, and Ianto shivered in pleasure at the possessiveness in Jack's voice.

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"That's your car?" Ianto asked, his voice low and full of lust. He ran his fingers lovingly over the bright red 1982 Mercedes-Benz 380SL.

"Want to drive?" Jack asked, holding out the keys, grinning at Ianto's reaction. He'd never thought of Ianto as excited by cars, though he sure seemed to like this one.

"Yes!" Ianto snatched the keys and got in quickly as if he expected Jack to take away the privilege. "I've always wanted to drive one of these," he admitted, starting it, revving the engine and listening to it purr. "It's older than me," he commented, a huge grin on his face. "I've always wanted a car that was older than me. And this one is fantastic!"

Still smiling, Jack got in on the passenger side and leaned over to kiss Ianto. "I'll get you one, if you want," he whispered against Ianto's cheek, hoping desperately that Ianto wouldn't object to his spur of the moment offer like he had the offer of a flat a year ago. Jack reminded himself firmly that Ianto was a different man back then, and these were different circumstances.

"If you're buying me a car, I have to do some research first. I'm not doing something like that on impulse. I want something sleeker and more streamlined. Something that makes everyone else jealous."

"I like your impulses."

"Hmm, I thought you might," Ianto replied, pulling Jack closer for a deeper kiss. "But right now, we have a reservation to make." He gave Jack one last kiss and turned to the steering wheel, getting used to the car's handling as he backed them out of the parking spot.

"Did you think any more on what you want to call me?" Jack asked, settling back to enjoy Ianto's obvious happiness with the car, delighted that Ianto seemed to approve of his suggestion about him buying Ianto a car.

"You didn't exactly give me much time to think," Ianto pointed out.

"Honestly, it sounded like you had something in mind already."

"Yeah, well..." Ianto trailed off.

"Come on, tell me," Jack encouraged. He patted Ianto's knee, settling his hand down into a casual stroking motion.

"It's just - I haven't really known you for very long. It doesn't fit."

"Ah."

"Ah? What does that mean? Ah?"

"You can call me that, if you want. I said so earlier. Maybe not directly, but it's what I want, eventually. When you're ready."

Ianto thought back to the conversations, the crying, the passion in Jack's voice. The amazing feeling of waking up next to Jack and his desire to do it again and again. The things he said he wanted, the things Jack wanted. "Partner," he said softly.

"Yeah."

"Yeah," Ianto agreed. "That just might work."

.

.

.

"See? I told you I had a nice place in mind," Ianto said ten minutes later as he closed the door of the car and took a few steps towards the restaurant he'd picked for their first dinner out. He glanced back at Jack, who had a strange expression on his face; one that Ianto couldn't interpret.

Oh well, he'd only been (re-) acquainted with Jack for seven hours, three of them they'd spent sleeping, the other four talking and shagging. _Making love,_ he reminded himself. _Always making love, no matter how much it might look like fucking to others._ He'd learn all of Jack's expressions and moods soon enough, he figured. He had a lifetime to learn them, especially since he wasn't inclined to work for Torchwood again.

"I'm not sure this is a good idea," Jack said. "We were here last year."

Ianto, excited to be on a real date with Jack after spending a year fantasizing about it, didn't hear him. He grabbed Jack's hand and pulled him inside.

"Table for two," Ianto said to the hostess, giving her a broad smile. "The reservation is under Harkness." He gave Jack's hand a quick squeeze and released it, following the hostess to their table. Halfway there, he noticed one of the waiters grinning at him. He frowned slightly. The man winked, and gathered up two glasses and a bottle of wine from the bar before heading in their direction.

_Something's not right,_ he thought, watching. _Why would he wink at me? Why is he bringing us drinks already? We haven't even looked at the wine list! Unless… Unless Jack's been here before, or he's a regular, and they know what he likes… Damn, I wanted this to be special! _

Two steps later, Ianto noticed a woman in a low-cut blouse and short skirt. Professional, but slutty. The manager, he assumed, seeing her nametag. Melissa. She seemed familiar, but he had no idea where he would have met her, since he'd been in London for the last six years, barring the month he couldn't remember.

_But Jack's flirted with her,_ he thought, tensing slightly. _Jack was flirting with everyone! No wonder I was so jealous._

His stomach clenched unpleasantly. Jack, flirting with Melissa, with the waiter, and the hostess, and the bartender, and the couple at the next table, and the runner, and the chef, and the other couple and the —

He froze so suddenly that Jack bumped into his back, exclaiming in surprise. "Ianto?" he asked, placing a hand on Ianto's shoulder.

_"… and I'm so fucking lonely!" Jack shouted, pounding his fist on the steering wheel of the SUV, his eyes bright with tears and anger, sadness, loneliness, and frustration. For the first time, Ianto felt scared of Jack, of what he was capable of. His anger — so wild, so out of control. But anger often hides other feelings, like sadness or fear, and he's not even doing a good job of it, is he? Ianto asked himself._

_"So forgive me if I get a little worried if you're not where I thought you'd be," Jack snarled, crossing his arms and looking at Ianto for the first time since the argument started, the tears falling even as he moved…_

Ianto's stomach clenched again, harder, as pictures, sounds and smells flitted through his mind faster than he could catch them.

Him and Jack, arguing in the SUV… Fucking in the SUV… Jack, still angry, still trying to hide his fear, flirting with everyone…

And then, out back —

Jack had —

Jack had —

Ianto's knees buckled, and only Jack's quick reflexes kept him from hurting himself as he fell. Jack's voice in the background of his consciousness.

"Ianto? Ianto, are you OK? Talk to me, gorgeous!"

The woman with the pendant, leaning over him. The pendant, swinging like a pendulum before her breasts, mesmerizing. Her perfect breasts that he'd noticed that night so much that he thought he just might give her a call to see if she were really up for the threesome with him and Jack she'd been hinting at when she was by their table earlier… She'd given him her number, hadn't she? And Jack had known about it, so that when he met Jack out back they'd argued again, about Jack's flirting, about him not throwing away the number, and then they'd —

But maybe it would be fun? He'd never had a threesome before, and he knew Jack was open to those kinds of things, and it'd been a while since he'd fucked a woman, and since Jack wasn't letting him fuck _him_…

And those really were perfect breasts…

Ianto gasped for breath and the walls started closing in on him. Everything was too much. Too loud, too crowded, too bright. Where had all the air gone? Why was this woman here? Where was Jack?

"He needs air. Everyone, give him space," Jack barked, somewhere above Ianto's head, close, but not too close. His vision swam even as black dots floated past his eyes.

Jack's voice in his head again, scared, anxious, maybe even desperate? Blurted out without thought or planning. "_… Are you leaving me?_"

How lonely it must be, to be Jack. "_... Everyone who's known my secret has left me… not died, but left… you'll die, too, and it'll be sooner than I want, and I've lost so many people, and I don't know if I can lose another…_"

Ianto tried to roll to his side, curling in on himself as the nausea increased. They'd argued, and he'd never considered how hard it would be to live forever, because it sounded so romantic, so wonderful to have all the time in the world, but to Jack it was a death sentence that was never carried out. No, a death sentence for everyone he would ever know, with Jack left behind to mourn. Always left behind. But now he knew, and he promised to himself to be good to Jack, and do everything he could for Jack, even though he had things he needed to do that weren't right, even though he was using Jack… betraying Jack…

They'd argued. And they'd fucked in the SUV. They'd had dinner, here, in this restaurant, and Jack had flirted with everyone, and then Jack had scooped up some whipped cream from Ianto's tiramisu and given his finger a mini-blow job, right there at the table, and Ianto had never been so embarrassed or turned on in public in his entire life, and all he could do was watch Jack do the same thing again, only more intensely, and, my God, he _needed_ Jack! So they'd gone round the back, into the alley, and Jack had —

And Jack had —

_No, no no no no! Don't go there! No!_

Jack had —

"Owen! I need you here _right now_! He's remembering something and it's giving him a really bad reaction. Tosh, call Dispatch and tell them we've got it and don't need an ambulance. Ianto, stay with me, OK? Stay with me."

_Oh, God, no, don't go there, don't remember. You don't want to know what you did in that alley. You really don't._

They'd gone round back, Ianto hard and ready and wanting Jack's cock deep inside him even though he'd been riding it in the SUV just an hour and a half ago, but he needed it again, and he needed to kiss Jack, but he'd promised Jack he'd blow him first, so —

_"Behave!" Ianto hissed. "Or don't you want to be able to fuck me in the back alley before we go back to yours?"_

_Jack's eyes widened, the small ring of blue around his lust-blown eyes growing even smaller..._

_"...kinky boy…" Jack drawled, licking his finger, sending a jolt of desire across the table and stiffening Ianto's cock more than he thought possible in a public place… Jack's pheromones were saturating the air, saturating his lungs, making him dizzy, making him wild and reckless and -_

Ianto felt sick. He was sure he was seconds away from throwing up the remains of the mediocre sandwich he'd eaten on the train from London that were sloshing disturbingly in his stomach along with the scotch from earlier and the coffee he'd made them with Jack's fancy coffee machine (that _he'd_ bought Jack?) before their shower and third (fourth? fifth? How did blow jobs and hand jobs count, anyway?) round of sex.

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block everything out, trying to concentrate on how good it had felt to have Jack's soapy body sliding against his. Jack had given him a scalp massage, commenting that he'd done that last year, too, their first shower together, and was it ok that they were repeating it? and Ianto purred under Jack's hands and told him if he stopped, he'd have to kill him. Jack laughed, his deep, rich voice melting on Ianto's eardrums like candy floss in the rain.

Jack's hand, gentle on his back. A cool wet cloth pressed to his forehead. Jack's murmured thanks for whoever brought it. Jack telling him to _breathe, gorgeous, just try to breathe, Owen's on his way._

It was coming back, the alley. What they'd done. He'd told Jack to be out there, to be ready for him and then he'd blow Jack, and then Jack would fuck him, and he was so hard and it felt so dirty and naughty, but oh, so sexy, but first they had to —

_No, don't think about it! Don't remember. Please, don't remember._

_Jack gripped his hair, biting his lips to keep from making noise as Ianto sucked and licked Jack's erection with an enthusiasm he doubted Jack expected, let alone what he'd ever expected for himself. Neither of them wanted to be interrupted._

_And when Jack fucked him — God, he was getting loud. It felt so good! There was something about being in the alley that made it even more exciting._

_"…Either you bite my hand or I cover your mouth. Which do you want?" Jack growled in his ear._

_"Bite!" Ianto gasped, because he knew he couldn't stomach having his mouth covered after what his father used to do, but biting, now that might be fun…_

Before, when he was blowing Jack —

_Not yet! Don't go there. Not yet. Please, not yet._

Jack made the most arousing sounds when he was having sex, between the curses, growls, moans, little gasps and whimpers. He encouraged Ianto to experiment, to try new things, to learn and adapt. He'd never thought he'd like having another man's penis in his mouth, not after his father, but kneeling in that alley, with Jack tugging on his hair, Jack's cock pulsing on his tongue, Jack's scent surrounding him so completely that he couldn't smell anything else —

_"…so good, Ianto. How did you get so good so quickly? Goddess, do that again!… Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck, just like that. I'm not going to be able to hold on much longer — Ianto, stop! I'm not going to last —"_

"Jack, what happened?" another voice asked nearby, in the present his brain automatically assigned it as 'Owen,' from hearing it briefly months before.

"I don't know. We were walking to our table and he just collapsed. We went here last year, once, and I tried to tell him it might be too soon, but he didn't listen and —"

A bright light shone in his eyes and he flinched away, moaning. He felt cold fingers on his wrist. Jack's hand on his back stroked up and down, grounding him slightly.

"Ianto, mate, can you hear me? Tell me what's happening."

"Too much," he croaked. "Too bright, too loud."

"You nauseous?"

"Yeah."

He wanted to throw up. When they'd been in the alley Jack had —

_No! Jack wouldn't do that. He wouldn't!_

But he had.

"Ianto, stay with us," Owen said, snapping his fingers in front of Ianto's face to get his attention. Slowly, Ianto's vision cleared. "Jack thinks some of your memories are coming back. Is that it?"

Ianto blinked blearily, staring into the familiar face of this stranger. "I — I think so," he finally managed. He clutched Jack's hand tightly, not sure when he'd taken it, but glad for the comfort, for the security of knowing Jack was still there with him and not in that alley —

_No!_

"All right. We're going to take you outside, OK? The fresh air should help clear your head. Can you stand? Jack, take that side, I'll take this one."

Together, the two men helped Ianto to his feet and with his arms over their shoulders, walked him out of the restaurant.

"There's an alley over here where he can sit down —" Owen started.

"No!" Ianto and Jack shouted together. Ianto stared at him.

"The only vaguely upsetting thing I can think of happened in that alley," Jack explained. "You didn't seem upset at the time, though, but that could have been because you'd repressed so much from your past."

"I don't want to know," Owen said. "We'll go to the SUV." He pointed towards the large black Land Rover with 'Torchwood' carved on the side. Ianto blanched, becoming even more pale and green than he already was.

"Jack's car," Ianto said, memories of the SUV crowding his already full mind.

"You have a car?" Owen asked, clearly surprised.

"What, you don't think I only drive the company car, do you?" Jack asked, gathering Ianto and supporting him across the street. "I have a flat, too, in case you were wondering."

"What, no five-star hotel for your special date?"

"His flat is better than a hotel," Ianto muttered, letting Jack help him sit sideways in the passenger seat so that he was still half outside. He leaned his elbows on his knees and lowered his head between them. Owen undid his shirt cuff and rolled it up, testing for a vein.

"See?" Jack said, puffing out his chest in pride, despite the circumstances. "I have taste. Ianto says so."

Ianto barely felt the prick as Owen inserted a needle in his arm. He felt the slight burn as medicine flowed into his vein, but he ignored it, too focused on the dry heaves that shook his body.

"This should help with the nausea," Owen said. "I think we need to get him to the Hub. I've got all my equipment there."

Over Ianto's head, Jack disagreed. "We'll take him back to my flat. Call Tosh, have her meet us there with whatever you need. If he's having this kind of reaction to just the restaurant, I don't want him anywhere _near_ the Hub yet. You remember what happened there." Owen grunted but didn't protest. "He'd never been to this flat before today, so it doesn't have any bad associations."

"Yeah, maybe you're right." Owen injected a second medication. "This is an anti-anxiety drug," he explained. "It should help with the panic."

"Ianto, can you keep it together while I get us home?" Jack asked, his fingers carding through Ianto's hair even as he supported him with one arm. Ianto clung to that arm as a lifeline.

"I'll try," he answered, swallowing. Owen offered him a bottle of water. "Thanks."

"Just doing my job," Owen muttered, finishing his evaluation quickly. "Dehydration, nausea, elevated serotonin," Owen said, dictating into a small recording device. "Pulse and heart rate returning to normal. Pupil dilation normal. Looks like an anxiety attack of some kind. What are you feeling now?"

"If I don't remember… I don't have to remember…" Ianto said in a choked voice.

"Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense," Owen replied. "Oh, wait, no it doesn't! You've got to give me more to work on."

"If he doesn't remember what happened with me last year, he won't have to think about or remember what his father did to him when he was a kid," Jack explained. "It wasn't upsetting last year because he didn't remember what his father did, since he'd repressed a lot of it, but now that he knows what his father did, he's worried that remembering that I did the same thing, however unknowingly, will trigger him and maybe upset what we're building. Am I right, gorgeous?"

"Maybe _you_ should be my therapist," Ianto said with a groan. "She never tells me anything like that. Just says I have to figure out my own shit for myself, even if she already knows it."

"Sorry, no dice. I like being your lover better," Jack said with a smirk.

Owen shook his head before opening up his med kit for something different. "Roll up your other sleeve, please. I'm going to take some blood for analysis."

Meekly, Ianto did it. He reached for Jack's hand again. Jack sighed and stroked Ianto's hair with his free one. Owen took his sample and walked over to the SUV where the new mini sample analyzer was stored, leaving the other two men alone.

"You feeling any better?" Jack asked softly.

"It just hit me," Ianto answered, breathing slowly through his mouth to keep the nausea at bay. "I don't remember everything, but I have snatches of that night, of being there, of going round back —"

Round back where Jack had —

Ianto doubled over, swallowing convulsively. Bile rose in his throat, acidic and nasty.

Jack had —

He felt it coming, the acid getting stronger, his throat working to keep it down. A losing battle.

If he remembered —

He'd vomit.

If he remembered — how could he ever trust Jack again?

How could he trust Jack when Jack had —

Just like his father —

He fell forward, felt Jack catch him. He was dizzy, lightheaded. He vomited all over the pavement, Jack the only thing keeping him from landing in the mess as all his strength gave out, everything focused on expelling the sick.

"Owen!" Jack shouted, loud and worried, panicked, almost, Ianto thought. "Owen, get your scrawny ass over here! He's going into shock!"


End file.
